The Tea Party/Hipster Conspiracy

I said I would avoid politics on this blog, but screw it, it’s not like anybody reads it. That said, today in a moment of pure enlightenment (while trolling through blogs – not like I was meditating), it struck me – the Tea Party are the hipsters of the political world. You read that right, the gun totin’, Palin loving, communist accusing group of middle-aged (mostly) white people are the tight pants, big sunglasses, crappy music (mostly) white kids of Los Angeles, Brooklyn and middle America shit cities like Omaha.

Think of republicans like Creed fans. Old and boring, status quo dregs who in small doses you may actually be able to stand to be around. Heck, you may even be a closet fan. Democrats are like Lady Gaga fans. Young, naïve, trend jumping dolts who like flashy objects and simple slogans that you want to grab by the neck and shout "grow the fuck up you brat" into their vapid eyes. As a matter of fact, “Disco Stick” is actually an anagram for “Hope and Change.”

Did you try to rearrange them? Idiot. Anyhow, you get the point.

Libertarians are basically metalheads. Socially liberal, e.g. long hair and on drugs, and economically conservative, e.g. music purists, just ask Metallica after the Black Album. They are crapped on group to the rest of society/pop culture, but technically probably most proficient politically/musically. The far left anarchists/socialists are the punks, because, well, they have been one in the same for the past 30 years with no metaphors needed. Greens = hippie Phish fans, DUH! That leaves the Tea Party. They are hipsters. Oh yes, I’ll explain.

Reason #1: Aesthetic choices
Hipsters have stolen their clothing choices from a menagerie of other sub-cultures to make a styleless mess of a uniform - skin tight jeans (punks), sun glasses (aviators = the 1980’s, big dumb ones = 1960’s Jackie O/Audrey Hepburn), hair (guys = emo (a ripoff of punk), girls = rockabilly bangs), shirts (1980’s new wave), big sneakers (hip hop) and fixed gear bikes (real bicyclists).

Tea Partiers (sorry kids, “Tea Bagger” is played out) rock American flags (yippies), Don’t Tread on Me flags (every “revolution” ever & Metallica), poorly made protest signs with pictures of Hitler (lefties and anarchists), poorly made protest signs with awful slogans (Westboro Baptist Church), and the hardcore 2nd Amendment guys sporting the military regalia (the military). It all leads up to a complete lack of anything that could be considered aesthetically pleasing.

Reason #2: They are the outcast
Nobody other than hipsters likes hipsters. Nobody other than Tea Partiers likes the Tea Party. Lady Gaga fans hook up with Creed fans all the time. Just go to any college bar on a weekend night and see for yourself. Nobody but a hipster is going to date a hipster. Sorry girl, but your bangs are ugly and cocaine sucks. Move along. Plus, you can’t bring a snotty hipster around to all your friends. She is just going to criticize their weak music collection and make snide comments about their baggy pants. No democrat or republican is going to associate themselves with the far out Tea Party unless of course are trying to get the support or join of the Tea Party, e.g. Palin.

These leads to a chicken and the egg problem. Are Tea Partiers and hipsters outcast because they choose to be or because they were forced into exile? I believe it is the latter. Hipsters are the kids that weren’t cool enough to hang with the Creed/Gaga jocks and popular kids, too pussy to be punks, and didn’t have a trust fund so they couldn’t be Phish following hippies. Tea Partiers were too crazy for Republicans and not tough smart enough to be Libertarians. They have a few leaders who play to them. Glenn Beck is Beachhouse. Ann Coulter is Kurt Vile. (Yeah, I gots mad indie rock knowledge, yo)

Reason #3: Narcissism
Both hipsters and Tea Partiers are completely narcissistic. Neither are ever wrong. There is no self-critique or self-analysis. They are right because you are wrong. That band sucks. This trend is cool. Healthcare is bad. Obama is a Muslim. Read Sarah Palin’s book and find me one instance of her admitting to messing up or learning a life lesson. There is a reward if you do. I’ll be waiting. Ever hear Glenn Beck admit to screwing up on a story or presenting anything other than as a pure black and white issue? No, and you never will. Ever hear a hipster say that maybe those pants look ridiculous? Nope.

Reason #4: Their use of the Internet
Fox News is Pitchfork.com. Tea Party blogs are hipster blogs. Going back to narcissism, both love reassurance by the others just like them and the internet gives them that power. A half informed opinion is good enough to post on a blog. After all, it’s not like a real newspaper or music magazine which requires editors. The internet also shields them from criticism and alternative opinions which would shatter their sheltered world views.

Reason #5: Gatherings
Kickball or any other “ironic” childhood game from the 80’s, spontaneous meetups and street art pranks are Tax Day Protests and 9/12 rallies. Being surrounded by others who share your very same mentality is totally awesome.

Reason #6: Shitty beer
Three words: Pabst Blue Ribbon

Muzaks

Living without internet or cable at home means I am largely out of the loop on pop culture. Thanks to Pitchfork and the Onion AV Club I manage to stay somewhat abreast and compile large lists of music that I need to have. During college, when I had access to a very good record store and extra cash in my pocket I would buy new compact discs every Tuesday. I was hip to the latest music. Kids still say “hip to” right? Then those holiest of holy men, computer nerds, invented mp3 and torrent files and albums were leaked a month before they officially dropped, thus adding to my music snobbery. Finally, I moved to the bush and ganking the latest albums died, as did even knowing about the latest albums. I actually had to mailorder Gaslight Anthem’s latest album because I couldn’t stand waiting. Yes, you can still receive CDs through the mail. Now when I travel to the big city with its big bandwidth capabilities, I download like crazy. This latest trip had my laptop’s wifi card working overtime to get a laundry list of tunes.

I present to you my review of music ya’ll have been listening to for three months already. Isn’t the excitement palpable?

The Gaslight Anthem, “American Slang” – Gaslight Anthem are one of my favorite bands. I actually flew from Vermont to North Carolina just to catch them live before I left to go discover myself on the tundra. Their first album “Sink or Swim” was a rock n roll tinged punk album, bordering on what my friend describes as “whoa punk.” However, their Springsteen and Dirty Jersey roots shown through setting the stage for greater things. That greater thing was “The ’59 Sound”, a punk soul record. The first time I heard the album, it literally gave me chills it was so good. The band claimed to be listening to a lot of Sam Cooke when they made the record and it showed. Brian Fallon crooning verses leading to soaring melodic choruses that were still easily singable to a throng of tattooed fans. I metaphorically wore out the needle on my computer’s hard drive listening to them.

Thus, I have been anxiously awaiting “American Slang.” If Gaslight Anthem took all their Sam Cooke listening to heart while making the last album, it sounds like they took all the media Springsteen comparisons (including a few actual performances with the Boss) while making this album. American Slang is at its heart a stripped down Springsteen album. Aside from the opening title track, the double distorted guitar, wall of sound chant-alongs are replaced by more restrained vocals and swinging rhythmic music as in the standout track “The Queen of Lower Chelsea.” Brian Fallon seems to have found his voice and not trying to impersonate his heroes.

That said, I still think this is a weaker album than the ’59 Sound. American Slang feels rushed and has less depth to the music. There aren’t as many hooks to really lock you in. I enjoyed the larger than life soul influenced punk rock choruses with marshal amps on 10 where American Slang is instead just a straight up rock record. Chalk it up to the third album slump that many bands go through or chalk it up to my attachment to their previous recordings. Either way, it is still a great album, just not enough to triumph over the other two. B

Against Me!, “White Crosses” – Speaking of clutching to a band’s past, Against Me! has finally let the world know that they are, as their 2004 tour documentary title states, “never going home.” Anybody hoping that New Wave was an experimental fluke and Tom Gabel and crew would be Re-Reinventing Axl Rose will be sorely disappointed. Against Me! is now a radio-friendly pop punk band, and a really good radio-friendly pop punk band at that. Overall, I didn’t like New Wave. There were a few good tracks but it was a weird transitional album stuck between the old days and new ones.

If you don’t like the aforementioned “whoa punk” skip this album. This is all big chorus singalongs. They are also great singalongs. Tom Gabel manages to write huge whoa hooks without it sounding cheesy. However, even in the early days he did this, just listen to the Disco Before the Breakdown EP and try not to howl along. Quite frankly he even writes cliché angsty lyrics, yet somehow manages to not make them sound cheesy (minus the cringe worthy “Bob Dylan Dream”). Coming from anybody other than a guy who started the band as nothing more than a distorted acoustic guitar and drum kit, “I was a teenage anarchist but the politics were too convenient” would be dismissed as trite. He sells them. It might have to do with him learning to sing really well, or for you cynics, Pro Tools making him sing very well. The band also learned to play their instruments as can be witnessed by the dual guitar interplay in the verses of “Suffocation.”

Is an Against Me! show now safe to take your mother to? Probably, but who cares? It was two years ago when I saw them in D.C. and the “pit” was filled with kids in Chuck Taylors afraid of the few remaining Doc Martin wearing anarchists still wanting to rock out. Obviously the tide was shifting. The band is now a bunch of grown up punks with an expanded world view. As a mellowed out 30 year old lawyer who still likes to his punk rock, I like watching a band productively grow. At least they aren’t trying to be like Rancid and still claim that they are street. A-

Scissor Sisters, “Night Work” – This was yet another third album slump by a great band. I love the Scissor Sisters. Who else can rip off Elton John and the Bee Gees and make it listenable? Their first two albums were campy frolics that got you immediately dancing, but they also had rock n roll depth and diversity. Instead of sticking the classic rock vibe, they decided to turn the camp up to 11 and make a disco album. The funky originality of “Laura” or “Take Your Mama Out” is replaced by throwaway dance beats and a million double entendres. We get that you are mostly composed of gay men, but why make an album solely for the gay club dance floor? This album may lend itself to my next butts and gutts aerobic class, but is not something I’ll be regularly spinning. C

The New Pornographers, “Together” – Hey look, The New Pornographers made another The New Pornographers’ album. This is a good thing because they make awesome albums. It isn’t a ground breaking Mass Romantic, but it is a solid piece of work. If you have heard them, you know what you are getting: moderately paced and complex pop rock arrangements with AC Newman’s nasally vocal verses and Neko Case’s enchanting choruses. The downside is that I heard no outstanding track, nothing special and over the top that really grabs you the way “Letter from an Occupant” or even “Bleeding Heart Show” did. The upside is that nothing also sticks out as a throwaway, press the skip button track. Overall good, albeit a little boring. B-

Austrian Death Machine, “Double Brutal” – I must thank my buddy Paul for alerting me to this band because they are amazing. The premise of Austrian Death Machine is simple, a metal band with lyrics inspired/stolen from Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. It is the perfect idea. Metalheads are basically over-testosteroned nerds so have probably seen every Schwarzenegger movie at least ten times, thus the imagery that metal lyrics so often tries to create is already there. And let’s face it, Schwarzenegger one-liners make for the ultimate metal choruses. The gamut of Arnold movies are covered, from Conan to Kindergarten Cop. Oh, don’t forget to throw in some ridiculous Arnold impression skits throughout the album including Governor Arnold singing "Gotta Go" by Agnostic Front.

The results are fantastic and not just because of the irony factor, but because it is great metalcore. The singer of the band is also the singer of As I Lay Dying and has a terrific hardcore bark and death growl for the verses with great chant-a-long choruses. The band does a nice blend of powerchord chugging and thrash and speed metal riffs to keep you headbanging, with great but short solos and limited hardcore style breakdowns to keep things action packed. They are a gimmick but they pull the gimmick off with such headbanging precision that it will leave you hailing the horns while looking for a Predator to fight. A+

Future of the Left, “Travels With Myself and Another” – Holy crap where did these guys come from? They sound like a mix of Jello Biafra/Johnny Rotten, Blood Brothers and Queens of the Stone Age with Man-Man arrangements all recorded by Steve Albini. That weird string of words doesn’t even begin to do them justice either. The lyrics are strange and enchanting. On Throwing Bricks at Trains, former McCusky (a band I did not know of but will soon be checking out) singer Andy Falkous sings such lines as “bowl movements preceded the bloodless coup” while telling a tale of Reginald J. Trottsfield throwing bricks at trains. On “You Need Satan More Than He Needs You”, he elaborates on society’s obsession with Satan and asks “It doesn't look like a man/ It doesn't talk like a man/ But does it fuck like a man?” Did I mention the music is fantastic distorted, plodding riffs that perfectly compliment the screeching of Falkous. Anyhow, this album is brilliant, just go get it now. A

Austrian Death Machine "I Need Your Clothes, Your Boots and Your Motorcycle"

A Meat Lover's Bloody Mary

I didn’t make it over to Bear Tooth to try one of their smoked salmon chipotle bloody marys, but I did manage to pick up a bottle of, according to the cashier at Brown Jug Warehouse, the extremely popular Alaska Distillery Smoked Salmon Vodka. The vodka was surprisingly mild, a nice smoky flavor that isn’t overpowering and just a slight salmon aftertaste. It does not taste like drinking a filet whirled up in a food processer that I feared it might. Last night I created my own concoction based on the Bear Tooth idea, which I dub the Artery Clogger Mary. It is less of a libation and more of a delicious late night meal. It really hit the spot after two hours of yoga and boxing.

Here are the ingredients:
Drink
Smoked Salmon Vodka
V8 [I used regular and doubled up on the hot sauce, but I think the Spicy V8 may be the way to go next time.]
Chipotle Tabasco Sauce
Horseradish
Worcestershire Sauce
Lemon Juice
Black pepper
Celery salt
Ground cumin

Garnish
4 slices of pepperoni
2 jalapeño stuffed olives
1 Alaska Sausage Company Hunter Snack Stick cut in half
2 stalks pickled asperagus