I don’t keep it secret that I love movie musicals - the good old ones from the 60’s, not this modern Glee and American Musical shit. I have no idea what those two are actually about, but I assume it is a bunch of emo-haired pussies singing about how tough high school is. I stick with Puerto Rican gangs and wicked witches. Anyhow, I know it is quite the unmanly trait (as my dude-friends have told me), but I find nothing “gay” about watching a bunch of shirtless sailors on a palm tree covered island dancing to Happy Talk… errr, they may have a point.
Moving on, I also love a good getting one over on the Nazis movie. Be it stealing their money in Kelly’s Heroes, killing and torturing the shit out of them in Inglorious Basterds, or melting their faces with the Arc of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Arc, fucking with Nazis is a good time.
With that said, I watched Cabaret the other day. Cabaret: the campy burlesque Nazi film that made Liza Minnelli a star and set her up lead a bat-shit crazy, drug and marriage rollercoaster life for 30 years cumulating in her comeback and greatest role ever, Lucille Austero on Arrested Development.
Cabaret was really good. The hot jazz-German oompah songs are catchy as hell. I had heard most of them before, prompted by hearing the Nazi ode to Germany “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” done by the Nazi-ish band Skrewdriver and then reenvisioned by Rancid guitar player Lars Fredrickson for a song entitled “This Town Belongs to Me”, got me searching for the original and I just downloaded the entire soundtrack. However, I had never seen the accompanying psychedelic, campy, clever and satirical burlesque stage numbers that go with them.
Back to Nazis. Nazis are pretty much the token bad guy in our society. They are easily painted and accepted as one dimensional. If you need characters representing pure evil, oppression, violence, hatred, racism, conservatism, structure, punctuality, or the left brain, Nazis are a good choice, especially in musicals. Who really questions whether Nazis actually have feelings? One of my favorite musicals of all time heavily featured Nazis - The Sound of Music, where a singing gaggle of a family and their governess trick and escape from the Nazis. Sure there was some love and romantic tensions, some childhood innocence and other plot arcs, but the important parts were Austrians, Nazis and lonely goat herds.
As everything is a competition, I decided to settle the hotly disputed topic (at least in my head) of what is the best Nazi-themed musical of all time, Cabaret or The Sound of Music. You sharp readers will notice The Producers is not in the competition. As I set the rules, this competition only applies musicals set in Nazi times. Yes, I realize that Hitler in Springtime is set in Nazi times, but The Producers itself is not.
The scoring for this competition will be weighted. You can’t give supporting cast the same number of votes as the lead, who makes the movies, that’s like giving Rhode Island the same number of Representatives as California. The scoring categories and weight system is set according to my own proclivities, meaning haphazard and random. If you don’t like it, write your own blog.
I now present to you:
Musical Thunderdome I: Cabaret v. The Sound of Music
Lead female (5 possible points):
Liza Minnelli as Sally Bowles vs. Julie Andrews as Maria Rainer:
Tough call here: crazy, slutty and over the top Liza or pure, good and mild Julie? Both played their parts amazingly. Both can belt out a tune like no other. However, Sally Bowles was an immature, hedonistic narcissist who was largely uncaring about the Nazi’s rise to power. Maria was nun who hiked the mountains and fought the Nazis through her singing. Plus, I have a weird thing for Julie Andrews.
Liza (C): 3 Julie (TSoM): 5
Lead (singing) male (4 possible points):
Christopher Plummer as Captain Von Trapp vs. Joel Grey as Master of Ceremonies
This is no contest. The outrageously risqué and double entendre humor riddled Master of Ceremonies dancing with a flock of chorus girls or a stuffy old Austrian father who sings Edelweiss? MC takes it. The Captain does get points for training his children to respond to a Bosun’s whistle. How very Pavlovian of him.
Grey (C): 4 Plummer (TSoM): 1
Score (5 possible points):
Kander and Ebb vs. Rodgers and Hammerstein
In the end a musical is really about the music and we have two heavy hitters in this category. On one side the edelweiss covered hills are alive with the sound of a lonely goatherd going on seventeen, which is a note to follow “so”, and also one of my favorite things. The other side states that tomorrow belongs to a life that is a cabaret of two girls, heirats, tiller girls and money. While Cabaret’s numbers are more fun and upbeat, the Sound of Music edges it out with its timeless Rodgers and Hammerstein classics.
Kander and Ebb (C): 4 Rodgers and Hammerstein (TSoM): 5
Choreography (3 possible points):
Risqué vs. Cute
I don’t care how well a bunch of tow-headed kids say goodnight up a flight a stairs, scantily clad German burlesque girls pulling the brims of their hats down to resemble German helmets is going to win.
Cabaret: 3 The Sound of Music: 1
Supporting cast (3 possible points):
Michael York/Helmut Griem vs. The Von Trapp Family
Michael York plays an uptight bi-curious Englishman very well. It’s almost like he’s not acting. Helmut Greim plays a bi-curious German very well. The awkward bi-curiousness of both them is, well, awkward. Seriously awkward. It actually threw off the movie I thought. Maybe I’m ADD, but with such lively musical numbers, scenes with either of these two killed the pace of the movie.
The Von Trapp family, on the other hand, were a hilarious pack of precocious scamps. As mentioned above, they respond to a Bosun’s whistle. They could sing. They wore clothes made of curtains. Liesl was hot. I’m betting from growing up in the mountains that they had mad survival skills. It’s no competition.
York/Griem (C): 1 Von Trapp Family (TSoM): 3
Cinematography (3 possible points):
Trippy vs. Breathtaking
The musical numbers of Cabaret had an absinthe-induced surreal quality to them. They were great. The rest of the film had an adequate 1930’s Germany feel, decent sets and locations, with the beer garden being the best outdoors setting.
The Sound of Music was filmed on location had the Alps and featured lots of Alps. I love mountains. It also had giant estates, monasteries and castle-like amphitheatres. Giant stone architecture and the Alps are obviously going to beat a smoky night club, no matter how many dancing German girls in fishnets are on stage.
Cabaret: 2 The Sound of Music: 3
Damage to Nazis (4 possible points):
Snark vs. Sabotage
The Master of Ceremonies and the dancers took some jabs at Nazis on stage, including a little goose-stepping number, but Michael York gets his ass kicked by them. Not very tough.
Nuns sabotage the Nazi’s car in the Sound of Music and the family escapes to Switzerland. That’s fucking tough.
Cabaret: 1 The Sound of Music: 4
Final score:
Cabaret: 18, The Sound of Music: 22
There you have it. The Sound of Music is officially the best Nazi themed musical ever. It’s a classic for a reason.
