Thursday, August 12, 2010

My New Blog and Facebook, or Attempting to Become Internet Famous

I am started a new blog as part of a new project for when I move back to Anchorage: http://thinklikeatree.blogspot.com/

It will be strictly about the project and chilling out through the power of paint. I'm keeping this blog going as an outlet for the dark side of being unemployed in Anchorage, basically more heavy metal, sex, and tea party rantings - a yin/yang situation.

I have also sold out, caved in and jumped on the bandwagon and rejoined facebook: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001441793034 I joined for the sole purpose of pimping the above mentioned blog.

I want to be internet famous - like Chocolate Rain, Tucker Max, Perez Hilton or that Slutty 12-year old with a screaming dad. I want to get on The View or at least The Today Show. I want my narcissistic fifteen minutes of fame. The interwebs has become a tool to stoke your own ego and try to convince random people that you are awesome. Everybody should hear my opinion.

Help me achieve my goal. Tell your friends. Post links on your facebook page. Stick this URL in the signature of your emails. Let's get me on the Today Show!

Monday, August 9, 2010

Legal Metal

The best blawg (legal blog) on the internet, The Legal Satyricon, posted a short article on black metal. The Legal Satyricon is your #1 source for free speech legal news and staunch defenders of musicians, artists and pornographers.

Beyond porn: Is black metal the final frontier of obscenity insanity?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Musical Thunderdome I: Cabaret v. The Sound of Music

I don’t keep it secret that I love movie musicals - the good old ones from the 60’s, not this modern Glee and American Musical shit. I have no idea what those two are actually about, but I assume it is a bunch of emo-haired pussies singing about how tough high school is. I stick with Puerto Rican gangs and wicked witches. Anyhow, I know it is quite the unmanly trait (as my dude-friends have told me), but I find nothing “gay” about watching a bunch of shirtless sailors on a palm tree covered island dancing to Happy Talk… errr, they may have a point.

Moving on, I also love a good getting one over on the Nazis movie. Be it stealing their money in Kelly’s Heroes, killing and torturing the shit out of them in Inglorious Basterds, or melting their faces with the Arc of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Arc, fucking with Nazis is a good time.
With that said, I watched Cabaret the other day. Cabaret: the campy burlesque Nazi film that made Liza Minnelli a star and set her up lead a bat-shit crazy, drug and marriage rollercoaster life for 30 years cumulating in her comeback and greatest role ever, Lucille Austero on Arrested Development.

Cabaret was really good. The hot jazz-German oompah songs are catchy as hell. I had heard most of them before, prompted by hearing the Nazi ode to Germany “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” done by the Nazi-ish band Skrewdriver and then reenvisioned by Rancid guitar player Lars Fredrickson for a song entitled “This Town Belongs to Me”, got me searching for the original and I just downloaded the entire soundtrack. However, I had never seen the accompanying psychedelic, campy, clever and satirical burlesque stage numbers that go with them.

Back to Nazis. Nazis are pretty much the token bad guy in our society. They are easily painted and accepted as one dimensional. If you need characters representing pure evil, oppression, violence, hatred, racism, conservatism, structure, punctuality, or the left brain, Nazis are a good choice, especially in musicals. Who really questions whether Nazis actually have feelings? One of my favorite musicals of all time heavily featured Nazis - The Sound of Music, where a singing gaggle of a family and their governess trick and escape from the Nazis. Sure there was some love and romantic tensions, some childhood innocence and other plot arcs, but the important parts were Austrians, Nazis and lonely goat herds.

As everything is a competition, I decided to settle the hotly disputed topic (at least in my head) of what is the best Nazi-themed musical of all time, Cabaret or The Sound of Music. You sharp readers will notice The Producers is not in the competition. As I set the rules, this competition only applies musicals set in Nazi times. Yes, I realize that Hitler in Springtime is set in Nazi times, but The Producers itself is not.

The scoring for this competition will be weighted. You can’t give supporting cast the same number of votes as the lead, who makes the movies, that’s like giving Rhode Island the same number of Representatives as California. The scoring categories and weight system is set according to my own proclivities, meaning haphazard and random. If you don’t like it, write your own blog.

I now present to you:

Musical Thunderdome I: Cabaret v. The Sound of Music

Lead female (5 possible points):
Liza Minnelli as Sally Bowles vs. Julie Andrews as Maria Rainer:
Tough call here: crazy, slutty and over the top Liza or pure, good and mild Julie? Both played their parts amazingly. Both can belt out a tune like no other. However, Sally Bowles was an immature, hedonistic narcissist who was largely uncaring about the Nazi’s rise to power. Maria was nun who hiked the mountains and fought the Nazis through her singing. Plus, I have a weird thing for Julie Andrews.

Liza (C): 3 Julie (TSoM): 5

Lead (singing) male (4 possible points):
Christopher Plummer as Captain Von Trapp vs. Joel Grey as Master of Ceremonies
This is no contest. The outrageously risqué and double entendre humor riddled Master of Ceremonies dancing with a flock of chorus girls or a stuffy old Austrian father who sings Edelweiss? MC takes it. The Captain does get points for training his children to respond to a Bosun’s whistle. How very Pavlovian of him.

Grey (C): 4 Plummer (TSoM): 1

Score (5 possible points):
Kander and Ebb vs. Rodgers and Hammerstein
In the end a musical is really about the music and we have two heavy hitters in this category. On one side the edelweiss covered hills are alive with the sound of a lonely goatherd going on seventeen, which is a note to follow “so”, and also one of my favorite things. The other side states that tomorrow belongs to a life that is a cabaret of two girls, heirats, tiller girls and money. While Cabaret’s numbers are more fun and upbeat, the Sound of Music edges it out with its timeless Rodgers and Hammerstein classics.

Kander and Ebb (C): 4 Rodgers and Hammerstein (TSoM): 5

Choreography (3 possible points):
Risqué vs. Cute
I don’t care how well a bunch of tow-headed kids say goodnight up a flight a stairs, scantily clad German burlesque girls pulling the brims of their hats down to resemble German helmets is going to win.

Cabaret: 3 The Sound of Music: 1

Supporting cast (3 possible points):
Michael York/Helmut Griem vs. The Von Trapp Family
Michael York plays an uptight bi-curious Englishman very well. It’s almost like he’s not acting. Helmut Greim plays a bi-curious German very well. The awkward bi-curiousness of both them is, well, awkward. Seriously awkward. It actually threw off the movie I thought. Maybe I’m ADD, but with such lively musical numbers, scenes with either of these two killed the pace of the movie.

The Von Trapp family, on the other hand, were a hilarious pack of precocious scamps. As mentioned above, they respond to a Bosun’s whistle. They could sing. They wore clothes made of curtains. Liesl was hot. I’m betting from growing up in the mountains that they had mad survival skills. It’s no competition.
York/Griem (C): 1 Von Trapp Family (TSoM): 3

Cinematography (3 possible points):
Trippy vs. Breathtaking
The musical numbers of Cabaret had an absinthe-induced surreal quality to them. They were great. The rest of the film had an adequate 1930’s Germany feel, decent sets and locations, with the beer garden being the best outdoors setting.

The Sound of Music was filmed on location had the Alps and featured lots of Alps. I love mountains. It also had giant estates, monasteries and castle-like amphitheatres. Giant stone architecture and the Alps are obviously going to beat a smoky night club, no matter how many dancing German girls in fishnets are on stage.

Cabaret: 2 The Sound of Music: 3

Damage to Nazis (4 possible points):

Snark vs. Sabotage
The Master of Ceremonies and the dancers took some jabs at Nazis on stage, including a little goose-stepping number, but Michael York gets his ass kicked by them. Not very tough.

Nuns sabotage the Nazi’s car in the Sound of Music and the family escapes to Switzerland. That’s fucking tough.

Cabaret: 1 The Sound of Music: 4

Final score:
Cabaret: 18, The Sound of Music: 22

There you have it. The Sound of Music is officially the best Nazi themed musical ever. It’s a classic for a reason.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Stop Them Negative Waves

I think we could all take a lesson from Oddball, the commune living, power of positive thinking, tank commander hippie, and greatest character ever. So let's all avoid those negative waves and try to say something righteous and hopeful today (I'm looking at you tea party).

Thursday, July 15, 2010

The Tea Party/Hipster Conspiracy

I said I would avoid politics on this blog, but screw it, it’s not like anybody reads it. That said, today in a moment of pure enlightenment (while trolling through blogs – not like I was meditating), it struck me – the Tea Party are the hipsters of the political world. You read that right, the gun totin’, Palin loving, communist accusing group of middle-aged (mostly) white people are the tight pants, big sunglasses, crappy music (mostly) white kids of Los Angeles, Brooklyn and middle America shit cities like Omaha.

Think of republicans like Creed fans. Old and boring, status quo dregs who in small doses you may actually be able to stand to be around. Heck, you may even be a closet fan. Democrats are like Lady Gaga fans. Young, naïve, trend jumping dolts who like flashy objects and simple slogans that you want to grab by the neck and shout "grow the fuck up you brat" into their vapid eyes. As a matter of fact, “Disco Stick” is actually an anagram for “Hope and Change.”

Did you try to rearrange them? Idiot. Anyhow, you get the point.

Libertarians are basically metalheads. Socially liberal, e.g. long hair and on drugs, and economically conservative, e.g. music purists, just ask Metallica after the Black Album. They are crapped on group to the rest of society/pop culture, but technically probably most proficient politically/musically. The far left anarchists/socialists are the punks, because, well, they have been one in the same for the past 30 years with no metaphors needed. Greens = hippie Phish fans, DUH! That leaves the Tea Party. They are hipsters. Oh yes, I’ll explain.

Reason #1: Aesthetic choices
Hipsters have stolen their clothing choices from a menagerie of other sub-cultures to make a styleless mess of a uniform - skin tight jeans (punks), sun glasses (aviators = the 1980’s, big dumb ones = 1960’s Jackie O/Audrey Hepburn), hair (guys = emo (a ripoff of punk), girls = rockabilly bangs), shirts (1980’s new wave), big sneakers (hip hop) and fixed gear bikes (real bicyclists).

Tea Partiers (sorry kids, “Tea Bagger” is played out) rock American flags (yippies), Don’t Tread on Me flags (every “revolution” ever & Metallica), poorly made protest signs with pictures of Hitler (lefties and anarchists), poorly made protest signs with awful slogans (Westboro Baptist Church), and the hardcore 2nd Amendment guys sporting the military regalia (the military). It all leads up to a complete lack of anything that could be considered aesthetically pleasing.

Reason #2: They are the outcast
Nobody other than hipsters likes hipsters. Nobody other than Tea Partiers likes the Tea Party. Lady Gaga fans hook up with Creed fans all the time. Just go to any college bar on a weekend night and see for yourself. Nobody but a hipster is going to date a hipster. Sorry girl, but your bangs are ugly and cocaine sucks. Move along. Plus, you can’t bring a snotty hipster around to all your friends. She is just going to criticize their weak music collection and make snide comments about their baggy pants. No democrat or republican is going to associate themselves with the far out Tea Party unless of course are trying to get the support or join of the Tea Party, e.g. Palin.

These leads to a chicken and the egg problem. Are Tea Partiers and hipsters outcast because they choose to be or because they were forced into exile? I believe it is the latter. Hipsters are the kids that weren’t cool enough to hang with the Creed/Gaga jocks and popular kids, too pussy to be punks, and didn’t have a trust fund so they couldn’t be Phish following hippies. Tea Partiers were too crazy for Republicans and not tough smart enough to be Libertarians. They have a few leaders who play to them. Glenn Beck is Beachhouse. Ann Coulter is Kurt Vile. (Yeah, I gots mad indie rock knowledge, yo)

Reason #3: Narcissism
Both hipsters and Tea Partiers are completely narcissistic. Neither are ever wrong. There is no self-critique or self-analysis. They are right because you are wrong. That band sucks. This trend is cool. Healthcare is bad. Obama is a Muslim. Read Sarah Palin’s book and find me one instance of her admitting to messing up or learning a life lesson. There is a reward if you do. I’ll be waiting. Ever hear Glenn Beck admit to screwing up on a story or presenting anything other than as a pure black and white issue? No, and you never will. Ever hear a hipster say that maybe those pants look ridiculous? Nope.

Reason #4: Their use of the Internet
Fox News is Pitchfork.com. Tea Party blogs are hipster blogs. Going back to narcissism, both love reassurance by the others just like them and the internet gives them that power. A half informed opinion is good enough to post on a blog. After all, it’s not like a real newspaper or music magazine which requires editors. The internet also shields them from criticism and alternative opinions which would shatter their sheltered world views.

Reason #5: Gatherings
Kickball or any other “ironic” childhood game from the 80’s, spontaneous meetups and street art pranks are Tax Day Protests and 9/12 rallies. Being surrounded by others who share your very same mentality is totally awesome.

Reason #6: Shitty beer
Three words: Pabst Blue Ribbon

Muzaks

Living without internet or cable at home means I am largely out of the loop on pop culture. Thanks to Pitchfork and the Onion AV Club I manage to stay somewhat abreast and compile large lists of music that I need to have. During college, when I had access to a very good record store and extra cash in my pocket I would buy new compact discs every Tuesday. I was hip to the latest music. Kids still say “hip to” right? Then those holiest of holy men, computer nerds, invented mp3 and torrent files and albums were leaked a month before they officially dropped, thus adding to my music snobbery. Finally, I moved to the bush and ganking the latest albums died, as did even knowing about the latest albums. I actually had to mailorder Gaslight Anthem’s latest album because I couldn’t stand waiting. Yes, you can still receive CDs through the mail. Now when I travel to the big city with its big bandwidth capabilities, I download like crazy. This latest trip had my laptop’s wifi card working overtime to get a laundry list of tunes.

I present to you my review of music ya’ll have been listening to for three months already. Isn’t the excitement palpable?

The Gaslight Anthem, “American Slang” – Gaslight Anthem are one of my favorite bands. I actually flew from Vermont to North Carolina just to catch them live before I left to go discover myself on the tundra. Their first album “Sink or Swim” was a rock n roll tinged punk album, bordering on what my friend describes as “whoa punk.” However, their Springsteen and Dirty Jersey roots shown through setting the stage for greater things. That greater thing was “The ’59 Sound”, a punk soul record. The first time I heard the album, it literally gave me chills it was so good. The band claimed to be listening to a lot of Sam Cooke when they made the record and it showed. Brian Fallon crooning verses leading to soaring melodic choruses that were still easily singable to a throng of tattooed fans. I metaphorically wore out the needle on my computer’s hard drive listening to them.

Thus, I have been anxiously awaiting “American Slang.” If Gaslight Anthem took all their Sam Cooke listening to heart while making the last album, it sounds like they took all the media Springsteen comparisons (including a few actual performances with the Boss) while making this album. American Slang is at its heart a stripped down Springsteen album. Aside from the opening title track, the double distorted guitar, wall of sound chant-alongs are replaced by more restrained vocals and swinging rhythmic music as in the standout track “The Queen of Lower Chelsea.” Brian Fallon seems to have found his voice and not trying to impersonate his heroes.

That said, I still think this is a weaker album than the ’59 Sound. American Slang feels rushed and has less depth to the music. There aren’t as many hooks to really lock you in. I enjoyed the larger than life soul influenced punk rock choruses with marshal amps on 10 where American Slang is instead just a straight up rock record. Chalk it up to the third album slump that many bands go through or chalk it up to my attachment to their previous recordings. Either way, it is still a great album, just not enough to triumph over the other two. B

Against Me!, “White Crosses” – Speaking of clutching to a band’s past, Against Me! has finally let the world know that they are, as their 2004 tour documentary title states, “never going home.” Anybody hoping that New Wave was an experimental fluke and Tom Gabel and crew would be Re-Reinventing Axl Rose will be sorely disappointed. Against Me! is now a radio-friendly pop punk band, and a really good radio-friendly pop punk band at that. Overall, I didn’t like New Wave. There were a few good tracks but it was a weird transitional album stuck between the old days and new ones.

If you don’t like the aforementioned “whoa punk” skip this album. This is all big chorus singalongs. They are also great singalongs. Tom Gabel manages to write huge whoa hooks without it sounding cheesy. However, even in the early days he did this, just listen to the Disco Before the Breakdown EP and try not to howl along. Quite frankly he even writes cliché angsty lyrics, yet somehow manages to not make them sound cheesy (minus the cringe worthy “Bob Dylan Dream”). Coming from anybody other than a guy who started the band as nothing more than a distorted acoustic guitar and drum kit, “I was a teenage anarchist but the politics were too convenient” would be dismissed as trite. He sells them. It might have to do with him learning to sing really well, or for you cynics, Pro Tools making him sing very well. The band also learned to play their instruments as can be witnessed by the dual guitar interplay in the verses of “Suffocation.”

Is an Against Me! show now safe to take your mother to? Probably, but who cares? It was two years ago when I saw them in D.C. and the “pit” was filled with kids in Chuck Taylors afraid of the few remaining Doc Martin wearing anarchists still wanting to rock out. Obviously the tide was shifting. The band is now a bunch of grown up punks with an expanded world view. As a mellowed out 30 year old lawyer who still likes to his punk rock, I like watching a band productively grow. At least they aren’t trying to be like Rancid and still claim that they are street. A-

Scissor Sisters, “Night Work” – This was yet another third album slump by a great band. I love the Scissor Sisters. Who else can rip off Elton John and the Bee Gees and make it listenable? Their first two albums were campy frolics that got you immediately dancing, but they also had rock n roll depth and diversity. Instead of sticking the classic rock vibe, they decided to turn the camp up to 11 and make a disco album. The funky originality of “Laura” or “Take Your Mama Out” is replaced by throwaway dance beats and a million double entendres. We get that you are mostly composed of gay men, but why make an album solely for the gay club dance floor? This album may lend itself to my next butts and gutts aerobic class, but is not something I’ll be regularly spinning. C

The New Pornographers, “Together” – Hey look, The New Pornographers made another The New Pornographers’ album. This is a good thing because they make awesome albums. It isn’t a ground breaking Mass Romantic, but it is a solid piece of work. If you have heard them, you know what you are getting: moderately paced and complex pop rock arrangements with AC Newman’s nasally vocal verses and Neko Case’s enchanting choruses. The downside is that I heard no outstanding track, nothing special and over the top that really grabs you the way “Letter from an Occupant” or even “Bleeding Heart Show” did. The upside is that nothing also sticks out as a throwaway, press the skip button track. Overall good, albeit a little boring. B-

Austrian Death Machine, “Double Brutal” – I must thank my buddy Paul for alerting me to this band because they are amazing. The premise of Austrian Death Machine is simple, a metal band with lyrics inspired/stolen from Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. It is the perfect idea. Metalheads are basically over-testosteroned nerds so have probably seen every Schwarzenegger movie at least ten times, thus the imagery that metal lyrics so often tries to create is already there. And let’s face it, Schwarzenegger one-liners make for the ultimate metal choruses. The gamut of Arnold movies are covered, from Conan to Kindergarten Cop. Oh, don’t forget to throw in some ridiculous Arnold impression skits throughout the album including Governor Arnold singing "Gotta Go" by Agnostic Front.

The results are fantastic and not just because of the irony factor, but because it is great metalcore. The singer of the band is also the singer of As I Lay Dying and has a terrific hardcore bark and death growl for the verses with great chant-a-long choruses. The band does a nice blend of powerchord chugging and thrash and speed metal riffs to keep you headbanging, with great but short solos and limited hardcore style breakdowns to keep things action packed. They are a gimmick but they pull the gimmick off with such headbanging precision that it will leave you hailing the horns while looking for a Predator to fight. A+

Future of the Left, “Travels With Myself and Another” – Holy crap where did these guys come from? They sound like a mix of Jello Biafra/Johnny Rotten, Blood Brothers and Queens of the Stone Age with Man-Man arrangements all recorded by Steve Albini. That weird string of words doesn’t even begin to do them justice either. The lyrics are strange and enchanting. On Throwing Bricks at Trains, former McCusky (a band I did not know of but will soon be checking out) singer Andy Falkous sings such lines as “bowl movements preceded the bloodless coup” while telling a tale of Reginald J. Trottsfield throwing bricks at trains. On “You Need Satan More Than He Needs You”, he elaborates on society’s obsession with Satan and asks “It doesn't look like a man/ It doesn't talk like a man/ But does it fuck like a man?” Did I mention the music is fantastic distorted, plodding riffs that perfectly compliment the screeching of Falkous. Anyhow, this album is brilliant, just go get it now. A

Austrian Death Machine "I Need Your Clothes, Your Boots and Your Motorcycle"

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

A Meat Lover's Bloody Mary

I didn’t make it over to Bear Tooth to try one of their smoked salmon chipotle bloody marys, but I did manage to pick up a bottle of, according to the cashier at Brown Jug Warehouse, the extremely popular Alaska Distillery Smoked Salmon Vodka. The vodka was surprisingly mild, a nice smoky flavor that isn’t overpowering and just a slight salmon aftertaste. It does not taste like drinking a filet whirled up in a food processer that I feared it might. Last night I created my own concoction based on the Bear Tooth idea, which I dub the Artery Clogger Mary. It is less of a libation and more of a delicious late night meal. It really hit the spot after two hours of yoga and boxing.

Here are the ingredients:
Drink
Smoked Salmon Vodka
V8 [I used regular and doubled up on the hot sauce, but I think the Spicy V8 may be the way to go next time.]
Chipotle Tabasco Sauce
Horseradish
Worcestershire Sauce
Lemon Juice
Black pepper
Celery salt
Ground cumin

Garnish
4 slices of pepperoni
2 jalapeño stuffed olives
1 Alaska Sausage Company Hunter Snack Stick cut in half
2 stalks pickled asperagus

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Prince - P@$$y Control - A modern coming of age story.

While scouring the bowels of the internet yesterday, I came across a Prince video. I love to hate Prince. I do not like him and have had many debates with people who think he is a genius. Ooooh, he plays 17 different instruments. So what? He makes shitty music with them. Dream Theater plays their instruments really well and can’t write a song to save their lives.

My judgment on his music may be clouded by just how much I hate Prince himself. Changing his name to a symbol and showing up in pictures with “slave” written on his cheek makes me want to strangle his midget neck. Waaaah, I’m a rich rockstar and my record company is being a meanie. Shut up. Worst of all is his Napoleonic sex god act that is so trite and annoying. Apparently, by declaring yourself a sex god and making bland music with lots of sexual references you actually become a sex god. Who knew?

However, my hatred of Prince is tempered by one thing and that thing is Pussy Control. The song itself encapsulates everything I hate about the man, but it is so damn catchy. First off, the song is named “Pussy Control.” You either have to be a genius or just completely full of yourself to give that title to a song. I lean towards the latter. The beat is entirely bland with Prince talk-singing over top. The chorus is an over the top high pitched male voice singing “aaaaahhhh Pussy Control” with an unmemorable keyboard riff and cheesy record scratching.

That said, the lyrics are such an amazingly ridiculous story that it overrides the unimaginative music and catapults the song into unforgettable heights. If you are not familiar with the lyrics/story of Pussy Control, Pussy Control is the actual name of the character. The song begins with Prince, the narrator, welcoming “boys and mother fucking girls.” As the title of this post suggests, the song is a modern coming of age story of a young black woman and “begins in a schoolyard, a little girl skipping rope with her friends.” “One day over this hoodie, she got beat for some clothes and a rep.” Pussy, emotionally scarred from this experience goes to college, earns a master degree and “hire[s] the heifers that jumped her and made everyone of them work for free.” In essence, Pussy has escaped her ghetto/prole roots, become a financial success, and taken revenge on all those who have wronged her in the past by making them her indentured servants.

The second verse focuses on Pussy’s life as a successful business woman. Pussy is now rich and meets a “fool named Trick” who, “wanna stick her, uh, talking more shit than a bit.” Trick promises her fame if she were to”sing a lick on his hit”, a clever double entendre by our narrator. Pussy of course doesn’t fall for this cheap ploy. She rejects Trick and reminds him that “every women in the world ain’t a freak” and that “[Trick] could go platinum four times” and “still couldn’t make what [Pussy] make in a week.”

Obviously, Pussy being a successful modern woman is having trouble finding love. Men are intimidated by her or just trying to take advantage of her. Luckily in verse three, our hero-narrator Prince comes along. Prince meets Pussy at “the club – International Balls.” Pussy at the time was “rolling 4-deep; 3 sisters and a weepy-eyed white girl drivin’ a hog.” Prince, being the sex god that he is, is not intimidated by Pussy Control though. He unrepentantly tells Pussy, “Motherfucker, I know your reputation and I’m astounded that you’re here.”

Sensing Pussy’s isolation and knowing that he is the only man confidant enough to be with her, he goes on to tell Pussy “I fear you’re lonely and want two know, a 12 o’clock straight up nigga that don’t give a shit that you’re Pussy Control.” Notice how Prince both compliments yet backhandedly insults Pussy. He simultaneously increases his value while decreasing hers. He then begins to rebuild her by complimenting Pussy’s physical appearance saying that it is “hard as hell to keep [his] mind off a body that would make every rich man want to sell, sell, sell.” Prince has obviously read his “pick-up artist” books, e.g. The Game.

Prince, much like Aesop, is careful to make sure his audience is enriched from his story. He leaves us with, “the moral of this motherfucker is ladies make ‘em act like they know. You are, was, and always will be Pussy Control.”

With that, I love to hate Prince. A flawed poet, his sexually explicit stories of modern living enrich us all. Yet, despite these beautiful tales of romance, everything about him screams arrogant, compensating midget. Now, listen to the song for yourself and try not to dance:

Smoked Salmon Boozing

Alaska Distillery in Wasilla created smoked salmon vodka. You can bet your sweet bippy I will be downing a chipotle salmon bloody mary at Bear Tooth this weekend when I am in Anchorage.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I'm shilling for SPOT today.


I decided that if I was going to be traversing around Alaska, I might as well take advantage of new safety technology so I bought a SPOT Personal Tracker. The prices are now down to a reasonable $100 (plus $140 yearly fee). SPOTs are GPS/emergency beacons for the lazy and technology inept. It is one weatherproof unit that performs three functions: tracking, emergency signaling and non-emergency messaging. Using GPS satellites, SPOT will take your location or track you, taking your position every 20 minutes. It also sends out an emergency signal to a central call center who contacts emergency rescue professionals. Finally, it will send out and “okay” signal with a preset message to your contacts, giving your position on Googlemaps. This is useful if you are just running late, but not in an emergency situation.

I tested it out this weekend. I drove to Counsel (the village at the end of the road going east) to meet people for a boat ride up the river and tracked my progress. Unfortunately, I drive too slowly, didn’t give myself enough time, and ended up missing the boat. I had never driven too far down the roads so this was a first. The Ford Ranger, while 4-wheel drive and a pretty reliable, doesn’t handle washboard roads very well. It is too light and the ass end kicks out . I used to keep sand bags in the back, but they were left back in Vermont.

After realizing I missed the boat, I walked around a little bit and then drove 76 miles home, stopping to check out all the old mining equipment along the way. There are a couple nice dredges and old mining camps on the road. Also, at the bridge in Solomon there is a great abandoned railroad train. Literally a whole train, engines and cars included. The train is smaller than your average train though - a rusty pigmy ghost train. It was brought up to the Seward Peninsula during the peak of the gold rush only to have its tracks washed away by a storm. So like everything else up here too big to be dumped in the ocean, it was abandoned.

The SPOT did just what it said it would do. I tested it when I started and it sent a signal with my position to my cell phone and to my father (who incorrectly guessed that my location on Front St. as being at the Board of Trade). It also tracked my trip. Here is my journey to Counsel:

One problem with all this cheap and easily available technology is that it tends to make people too brave. Instead of being cautious, idiots take stupid risks figuring that they can just hit their transponder button and wait for the helicopter. Hell, Discovery made a highly unwatched show with just that premise – come to Alaska to survive for 8 days but hit the button when you can’t hack it. This taxes the emergency responders, puts them at risk, and costs the State lots of money.

For example, my favorite news story since arriving in Alaska was this little gem from last summer. Two guys from Bethesda, Maryland used their transponder because the Alaskan summer was too bright and they were exposed to too much daylight. You read the correctly. No bear attack. No broken limbs. They got floatplaned out because they were at risk of sunburn. It is not surprising though. I lived in Bethesda for four months. There are more BMWs and Mercedes per capita than any other location on Earth. The Sunday morning jogging groups are the ass-hats who wear an aerodynamic five bottle hydration belt for a 4 mile jog/walk. These people freak out if the Bagel Store runs out of lox and chive cream cheese. In other words, complete pansies.

However, now with GPS and emergency beacons, these city dwelling panzies can go be John Wayne and Jack London. As much as I think that Chris McCandless and Tim Treadwell were retards whose death is not really mourning-worthy, at least they died being total idiots and didn’t pussy-foot it. They ran off into the woods without a safety button, and died from it. Hopefully I rely on my Arctic survival training and Boy Scout like preparedness and keep my adventures safe. If I never hit the 9/11 button and waste $140 for the next 20 years, I think I will be able to call my Alaskan adventures a success.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Weekend Movie Round-up

It was a movie-filled weekend. I have been slacking on my movie watching lately. I had actually been on a spree of doing things outside, but the Midnight Sun Festival was in town, which meant live music at the bars, which meant lazy hangover days filled with movies – interrupted by short pussyfoot jogs to sweat out the booze.

Showing on the small screen was Alfred Hitchcock’s 1956 version of The Man Who Knew Too Much, All The King’s Men (1949), and The Girlfriend Experiment (2009). Lots of spoilers ahead, so read at your own risk.

I really like Alfred Hitchcock. I grew up watching Alfred Hitchcock Presents on Nick at Night. The Birds, Psycho, and Rear Window are untouchable classics in suspense and horror. However, The Man Who Knew Too Much fell flat. This is a shame because the plot holds a lot of potential. The son of a Doctor, played by the usually awesome Jimmy Stewart, and his former stage star wife, played by Doris Day, is kidnapped after Stewart, on vacation in Morocco, learns about the plan to assassinate a high level politician in jolly old England. The kidnappers say the son, played by some annoying little kid, will be returned in exchange for Stewart not revealing the assassination plot. Stewart and Day are faced with the choices to remain quiet and trust the kidnappers, try to get help, or go after the bad guys themselves. Of course they go it alone and of course they get the kid back and everybody is happy. I’m surprised this hasn’t been remade with Will Smith, his annoying son, and a bomb in NYC. Actually, it probably has and I just missed the previews.

There were a few good scenes in the film, most notably the assassination attempt in a giant concert hall where the actors don’t speak for a good ten minutes and the orchestra/chorus that is performing provide a gradual and suspenseful build up. An unneeded taxidermist mix-up was cute and clever, but again, unnecessary especially in a two hour movie. All this was overshadowed by lackluster performances and lots of “no way somebody would do that” moments. Stewart and Day have no chemistry. I don’t know if this is a modern era thing, but with two starring leads I expect good dialogue and emotion between them. Alone, each put in a passable performance, but as husband and wife it was totally unbelievable. They couldn’t even make marital squabbles sound believable.

As for the no way somebody would do that, there is no way that a couple would let their child wander around Morocco with two English folk that they met the day before and after the mother accused of spying on them. There is no way that you don’t take that child to the police station with you. There is no way that an assassin uses a pistol to shoot somebody half a concert hall away. There is no way that you sit through a full church service that the kidnappers are putting on.

Finally, maybe this is no enough women’s studies classes talking, but does anybody remember the good old days when it was appropriate to not tell your wife immediately about your child’s kidnapping and then use your position as a doctor to force sedatives on her before you reveal it? You know how hysterical and emotional the female brain is. They just can’t deal with stress, best to drug them.

All The King’s Men was the much better of my two classic choices. In case you don’t know, All The King’s Men is based on the book of the same name which is based on the life of real life Louisiana politician Huey Long. The plot is simple – guy fighting the corrupt system becomes corrupt by that very system, power corrupts, etc. Old news to cynics like me, but seemingly unknown to our current voting public.

The setting is Any-Southern-State, USA and Long is a character named Willie Stark, a mild mannered, uncharismatic, humble roots country boy rallying against corruption in government. The movie does a good job of not making Stark a member of any discernable political party and keeps his politics to basic populist ideals. A big city reporter picks up on his story and begins following him around. His speeches are dry attempts to tell people the facts and figures and lead him nowhere. He tries again and again to run for office with no success until he finally gets drunk (his wife didn’t approve of drinking) and gives a fiery speech to a crowd of “hicks.” The “hicks” become Stark’s base and he wins.

After he is elected governor, Stark begins building and modernizing his state as promised. There are projects upon projects bearing his name. He also begins purging all those who don’t agree with him and using more and more dirty tactics to deal with issues because Stark’s way is the right way. Nobody is going to disagree or interfere with him. In the process, the reporter gets wrapped up in Stark’s administration and becomes a reluctant hatchetman, even digging up dirt on a long time friend and Judge whom he highly respects.

The moral of the story makes up any slips in acting. I am split on whether I like the 40’s and 50’s over the top noir style of acting. Sometimes it works well, other times it is just painful. Broderick Crawford struggles as hick Willie Stark, but comes to life as the corrupt politician balancing self-righteousness with charm and charisma. John Ireland as reporter Jack Burden does a competent job with a typical 40’s overacted noir style. Joanne Dru was excellent as Stark’s outspoken assistant and offered a quite a few good one-liners.

I try to avoid politics on this little blog, but as an ever-increasing jaded and disillusioned Obama voter, I couldn’t help but see comparisons to the current administration. I think the White House should think about having a screening. Also, for all the Tea Partiers out there, you may want to invite presidential prospect Sarah Baby over for popcorn and a viewing. For the rest of you out there, if you don’t want to read the book, All The King’s Men is definitely worth watching. Sure you will come out more cynical and distrusting, but isn’t that what the Founding Father’s wanted us to be?

On a completely unrelated note, what struck me about both The Man Who Knew Too Much and All the King’s Men was the vast amount of cigarettes and booze. I in no way support making smoking or alcohol in movies criteria for ratings, but come on, when was it socially acceptable to carry around a giant flask of whiskey in your suit? Should the paralyzed from football playing son really be sucking down unfiltered smokes? Did people in 1950 not realize they were bad for you? Nobody noticed that the running back who didn’t smoke ran faster?

People prior to 1980 had to have constantly stunk of liquor and smoke. Smoking indoors everywhere? Have you smelled a smoking hotel room? We have the modern technology of air ventilation systems and Oust! and it still smells. A few hours out at the bars here, which all still allow smoking, and my hair and clothing reek. You can smell the drunks and partiers that inhabit Front St. from ten feet away. Seriously, is there anything worse than bourbon breath?

With this on my mind I watched The Girlfriend Experience, the “edgy” indie film about a call girl in NYC starring porn star Sasha Grey. A flash of inspiration came to me and I suddenly realized that sexual revolution of the 60’s, the following women’s rights movement, up through the loosened morals of hookers and teenage blowjob journals today were not caused by secularism or a loss of morals and God, nor was it progressive views on the role of women or human sexuality or any other social theory. No, all these are directly caused by increased hygiene, air-conditioning, synthetic fabrics, a decrease in the casual use of alcohol and indoor smoking bans. In essence, things that make people smell better.

Bare with me on this. If you are running around in a gray flannel suit in the south in 1950, smoking two packs a day and having three martini lunches, you are going to be a sweaty, nasty mess. Nobody is going to want to do freaky deeky sex things with you. Are you turned on when your significant other comes home from a night of drinking and crawls into bed? No. You make their stinky ass sleep on the couch. Ever have sex after a day of running around outside, jogging, riding bikes or playing softball? Doable, but still kind of gnarly. Flash forward to the 1960’s with looser clothing, in cool northern California and the northern East Coast, or in an air-conditioned apartment, and stoned instead of drunk, and an orgy sounds much more inviting. By the 1980’s we had smoke free restaurants and buildings, easily washable clothing, cocaine and designer cologne. Consequently we had lots of people doing it.

So anyway, The Girlfriend Experience, was some hyped up Steven Soderbergh, low budget, improvised, non-professional actor flick. It sucked. It was supposed to be a look into the life of high priced call girl, played by Sasha Grey, during the onset of the recession, but it left you with nothing. I literally got up 77 minutes later slightly rested from laying on my couch, with everything in my head exactly the way it was before. Check that, I had disappointment because you only get to see Grey’s boobs twice briefly. She gets gangbanged on film for money, show some sex in a movie about a high priced hooker for God’s sake.

There was no character development. None. Grey is a call girl looking to expand her business and believes in astrology or birthday’s or something stupid. Her boyfriend works at a gym. There is a recession. That is all there is and that is all we get. Grey, in an effort to expand her business talks to a reporter and tells him nothing. Nothing! The reporter at one point even says something to the effect that you must have an iron door protecting you. She just agrees. What the fuck? This entire film could have been done in ten minutes if that is all we are getting.

The acting is atrocious. Improvising works well if you are intelligent or have something to say. The actors had neither. The role of Grey’s boyfriend was played by some dolt who let his five o’clock shadow do most of the acting. He reminded me of the tall dark-haired hack from American Pie, Chris Klein I think, but in comparison makes Klein look downright Shakespearian. Grey should stick to making nudie films. Her acting ranges from brooding to pouting, which is a shame because I think it would be great to see more porn stars in major films. In an age when Meghan Fox, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kate Hudson and Miley Cyrus are considered professional actors, if you can convince the world that double penetration is getting you off, you should probably be able to do alright in Hollywood.

Do not rent this movie. Spend your 77 minutes reading the blog Confessions of a College Callgirl. It is free, more entertaining and much more informative about the life of a fancy hooker.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Vibram Five Finger v. Nike Free Run+ v. 3 year-old New Balance with no insole Running Shoe Challenge Pt. I

I have been running a lot lately and as a service to my three readers, I decided to do a comprehensive review of the Vibram Finger Finger KSO, Nike Free Run+ and my old ass New Balance shoes. In the end this post turned into a diatribe on running, a book review and partial shoe review. Enjoy it.

I used to hate running. To me, track always seemed like you were replacing the much faster horses on a track with some humans and calling it a sport. I like sports with quick thinking strategy, e.g. soccer and hockey. I swam in high school because it was great exercise and I was a fat ass, but always hated meets. A swim meet is a whole bunch of waiting and then a minute or two of excessive energy exertion and just plain boring.

It wasn’t until after getting ACL replacement surgery that I really started running with any bit of seriousness. It helped me drop 70 pounds (245 down to 165 (and those 165 days are long gone)) and found that running was a lot like swimming practice: solitary, in the zone physical exertion. Plus, before the days of waterproof mp3 players and ear buds, unlike swimming you could listen to music while running. Also, unlike the bottom of a pool, the scenery changes when you run. Thus, I became a jogger.

Once I started running I discovered that it was a great way to mellow out and clear my head. In law school I jogged almost every day. Blasting punk rock, I would take off down back roads working out the leg kinks and panting like a dog until I hit my Stride. Ahh, the Stride. Some people may call this the Zone. It is that perfect time in life when your legs feel clear and are in perfect unison with your breath. It is very Zen-like. You are acutely aware of every nerve, your feet and legs adjusting as the terrain change, yet at the same time you are aware of nothing. Your mind calm and turned off from all intruding thoughts and you coast along. It is a great feeling.

My body, however, is in no way built for competitive running. Short legs supporting a bulky upper body does not a Prefontaine make (not to mention my inability to grow a mustache). Therefore, my running has never reached any competitive level – 5Ks, a few 10ks and one half marathon. Also, there has always been a lingering pain from when the doctors sliced into my knee, cut out the middle of the patellar ligament, crafted it into and ACL and bone screwed it into place. Running built up my knee enough that the pain was slight, but it would flair up every now and then, just enough to be annoying. I have always been searching for a way to stop that knee pain. A cheap patellar stabilizer strap helped, but was annoying and never 100%

I made the mistake/had the fortune of reading Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen by Christopher McDougall during the annual family Christmas at the beach in February this year. The book begins with a humble premise: the author, a writer for Men’s Health, started running and got knee pain so he went to the doctor. The doctor’s answer for him was that his knee hurt because running was bad. Being a journalist McDougall asked the obvious, why was running bad? To which the doctor replied, running is bad because it makes your knee hurt. With that medical analysis in hand McDougall went out in search of answers.

The book becomes part Sherlock Holmes search, part philosophical musings and part rally against shoe companies. McDougall soon discovered the Tarahumara, a tribe of natives in Copper Canyon, Mexico, who run hundreds of miles at a time, often after rowdy nights of boozing, while getting energy from chia seeds and other native whole foods. And they do it all in handmade sandals, literally old tires cut up and strung onto their feet. These people with no gel arch support stabilization, shock absorption systems or pronation concerns have no knee or ankle injuries. They also don’t appear to die of cancer or modern disease. They don’t war with other people and are generally a tight knit, secretive, serene and peaceful community.

In exploring this mysterious tribe, McDougal starts consulting ultra-marathoners, an odd group of people who run 100+ mile races, and their figurative leader, Scott Jurek. Jurek has been getting a lot of ink lately, even gracing the pages of the New York times. McDougal haunts down a mysterious outsider who has been welcomed into the Tarahumara, Caballo Blanco, and plans a race of the best ultra-runners versus the best of the Tarahumaram on their home turf. I’ll let you read the results.

What McDougall discovers in his journey is a fundamental biological fact: humans were born to run. It is in our blood and genes. We have arches, nature’s support structure, to support our foot and body. Humans can sweat and don’t have to breathe every step like most mammals. Our feet our filled with nerves to sense the ground we walk on. We, as a race, did just fine for 10,000 years running with no support before the 70’s running shoe craze.

Now we are cramming our feet into overly supportive shoes. This false support means we aren’t using what we are supposed, so we are deteriorating and atrophying our muscles. We strike with our heels instead of the balls of our feet, jarring our muscles, ligaments and tendons. In sum, shoes are killing our ability to run.

Born To Run specifically mentions Vibram Five Fingers (VFF). VFFs are basically foot gloves/toe shoes. They have individual toes, some rubber on the sole and a breathable synthetic upper. VFFs are meant to give you a little protection while allowing your foot to run in its natural, unsupported way. The back-to-nature hippie in me couldn’t resist this glowing recommendation so while I was in Florida, I bought a pair of Five Finger KSOs. I don’t know what KSO stands for. Killer Shoe Organism?? [edit: checked website, “Keep Stuff Out” – makes sense] KSOs have a little more fabric than the normal VFFs, which I figured would be good for cold Alaska.

VFFs come with a warning to go slowly at first because your feet and legs are used to artificial support. Well, like everybody who gets a pair, I ignored that and immediately went out for a run. Feeling like a barefoot child again, I ran four miles, on the beach, partially in water. I came back with a nice blister and sore calves for the next few days. I wasn’t deterred. From February until the present my KSOs have been my all purpose shoe. I run in them, I lift weights in them and even play indoor volleyball in them. It took a month or two on the treadmill to get my calves and Achilles stretched back out to its natural state, but eventually the pain went away.

What really surprised and impressed me was that my knee pain also went away. ACL surgery can really wreck a person and I still had a few spots that would flare up on run, most notably the top inside portion of my knee where the bone screw is. VFFs stopped the pain. Once I made the concentrated effort to run correctly – straight up, knees bent, landing on the balls of my feet – my muscles and ligaments started doing their job and taking the shock out of running.

Then, the weather in Nome broke and outdoor running beckoned (I HATE treadmills. Staring at myself in a mirror and not actually moving makes me feel like a hamster). Let me say that Nome is not a running town. The row of bars on Front Street that still permit smoking is the first clue that running on the tundra is not a common activity. Cross country skiers are the about the only foot traffic the tundra sees, with four wheelers and snowmachines being the norm. Thus, there are no good trails to run on. From my apartment I have basically two choices to run on – north on the main paved highway that goes to the high school or east along the ocean on a dirt and gravel road. Neither are particularly enjoyable with the eastern route having less cars. The dryness of Nome also means that most times you will have dust blown into your face on a regular basis.

Regardless, dust and traffic still beats a treadmill so I began running outside. The first couple of times was great. I was out in the semi fresh air, pounding pavement/dirt shoulder and just feeling great. Then, the massive amounts of gravel started to take its toll. While you can avoid a lot of large patches, one inch hunks of rock are routine on every road and you eventually step on them. Here is where VFF’s lack of padding becomes a liability. The first couple of times, your foot just takes it in stride, but repeated strikes wear it down. Then you finally hit one and pain shoots up. That is what I did and managed to severely and deeply bruise the ball of my left foot.

Nursing my foot bruise, I took about 10 days off from outdoor running and then tried again. Again, 20 minutes into the run and I hit a rock and the pain shot up. I finished the run in an unnatural hobble/twisting my foot inward in order to strike on the outside of the ball. Looks like I was back to shoes.

Back on went my worn out, three year old New Balances and I headed east. It was strange, yet kind of nice running in shoes again. The padding of insoles and a thicker sole took the brunt of the gravel with no problems. I was feeling good, having flown by two of the small band of Nome joggers. Then 2.5 miles down the road the front of my arch cramped. Not just any cramp you can run through, this was an acute shooting pain. At this point in life I know the difference between muscle fatigue and injury pain. This was the latter. I stopped, took off my shoes and tried to massage it out. No luck. I put the shoes back on and start limping the 2.5 miles homes. When the pain started to subside I tried to lightly jog and the pain flared up again. Screwed again.

I of course blamed the cramp on my feet being used to unsupported running and cursed running shoes. But not being one to take a single event as proof, I took a few days off and tried again. This time within a mile I could feel my arch cramping. I stopped, took off my shoes and massaged my foot. Staring at my shoes an idea struck. I removed my insoles, slipped the shoes back on and took off. No pain for the remaining four miles. My feet had actually become insole adverse.

Realizing that I could run in sneaker and continuing in my pseudo scientific barefoot running endeavor, I decided to try the much touted Nike Free running shoe. I am strongly opposed to Nike on moral grounds and not just for all the sweatshop scandals, but for also for their blatant copyright infringement of hardcore legend Minor Threat’s iconic album cover when launching their skateboarding line. (http://boingboing.net/2005/06/29/minor-threat-vs-nike.html) However, their snappy ad men and the naked running camp video won me over. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m474JNTLKnQ) What can I say, I’m a weak minded child of the 1980’s consumer television marketing. Moving pictures make me buy things.

When my Zappos box came I eagerly tore it open and found my glowing lime green Frees. Nike Free shoes are supposed to mimic barefoot running by providing little insole and unique corrugated sole that is extremely flexible. Picking them up and bending them, they are extremely flexible. They are also incredibly light which is nice. I have a pair of bulky Salomon trail runners which are good for hiking, but not so great for running. The one thing I immediately noticed about the Nike Free Run+ is that they fit a half size too small. My big toe was hitting the top of the shoe pretty hard. Still, I decided to give them a shot and took them to the gym for some treadmill time. One minute on the treadmill confirmed my shoes were the wrong size so the VFFs went back on and the Free Run+s went back to Zappos.

The one minute I did run in them, even with them being too small, felt good. The sole really does flex a lot and I am predicting that the lack of weight will really be helpful towards the end of a run when my legs are tired. Any day now my correctly sized shoes should arrive. When they do I will give them an extensive evaluation. Until then, happy trails.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Rantings About Evil Corporations and Food - How Original.

As I said in an earlier post, I have been on a healthy food kick lately. Somehow moving to Alaska has caused me to gain 15 lbs. I have been forced to abandon my jeans because the hipster, slim and low cut, prefaded Levis I own are so tight around my pelvis that I can feel the seeds of my future children being slowly crushed to death. My favorite vintage, snap-button, cowboy yoke, flannel shirt is stretched so tight at the shoulders that I could Hulk Hogan it apart. Overeating, over-beering, lots of weight lifting and mma, and my body adjusting to the cold has bulked me up so much that I decided to try to cut out all non-wild meat and up my vegetable intake.

In the spirit of my back to the Earth food kick, I queued up Food, Inc. and the Future of Food on my Netflix and they arrived this weekend. I knew about Food Inc. and was in no major hurry to see it because I had read Fast Food Nation a long time ago. Being a “foodie” I am already interested in the topic of food and food production, stay abreast of the news, and have crunchy, organic friends who fill any gaps by sending me articles and links. I have a lot of hippie virus in my veins as well as coming from a line of family farmers. Thus, it is in my genes to be a fan of smaller farms, organic farming, and knowing where your food is from and how it gets there. Obviously, I’m more than a little biased against giant corporate “food” producers (I use dick quotes because I find it hard to label high fructose corn syrup laden products as food) and the FDA and other industry captured regulatory bodies. Thus, Food, Inc. was preaching to the choir. It preached well though.

Food, Inc. wasn’t the most aesthetically stunning movie ever made. It doesn’t have the graphics, flashy transitions and rocking soundtrack of a documentary like Dogtown and Z-Boys. It is also mellow. That is, it lacks the confrontational shock value of Michael Moore movies or the tension filled, undercover journalism of The Cove. What Food, Inc. does, is to present a lot of information and a little opinion by passionate, well-spoken, intelligent and likable talking heads. All of the people in this movie are genuinely interesting to listen to, be it the Iowa farmer growing 100’s of acres of corn, to the mother who lost a child to E. coli and is now an activist trying to improve FDA regulation.

As you can see by the interviewees, Food, Inc. covers a lot of ground in two hours. Just about everything is examined including the actual “how” of production – from the industrial Iowa corn and soybeans to chicken ranches and cow feed lots to an organic farm in Virginia; the “why” of our current food system – the industrialization of agriculture by fast food companies, the Farm Bill and corn subsidies that support this system, and the economics and ideology of organic farming; the “who” of system – the farmers, the corporations controlling output, the consumers, and the supposed regulating bodies; the “what” results of this system – outbreaks, diabetes, pollution and lawsuits against farmers and people trying to buck the system.

This is one of those eye-opening movies that probably won’t be seen by the right people. It is going to be watched by people like me who already try avoid fast food and soda and eat more (preferably organic) veggies. I am an elitist, educated, privileged liberal so I have trouble accepting that a lot people don’t actually know what they are doing to themselves eating the crap out there. I’m also lucky enough to be able to afford real produce (Although, my container of produce from Full Circle Farm is only $47, so it is not that expensive.). I wonder how your average Joe Six Pack would react when they would find out that the diabetes epidemic is largely connected to government policies, or that produce would become cheaper and more plentiful if people knew their power as consumers.

It is regrettable that this documentary and similar movies and books get pinned with being “propaganda” and unfair. It’s not just one of those movies that attacks and then stops. It offers alternatives and demonstrates that a reliable, sustainable and Earth-conscious approach is obtainable. It leaves you feeling good; that if you just go out there as a consumer and demand food that isn’t pumped full of things that [God, Yahweh, Mohammad, Buddha, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, The Big Bang, Evolution or FILL IN THE BLANK] never intended us to eat, things can be righted and we can achieve harmony once again.

Then I watched Future of Food, which leaves you in an apocalyptic doom state of mind. While much of Food, Inc. was focused on consumers and their relationship to their food, Future of Food was based on the food production system itself. Reading through IMDB reviews, Future of Food obviously seems like a Monsanto hit piece. It may be, it may not be, and that is the problem. How can we call it unfair or biased when there is no other documentary or even news story to compare it to? There is no other company to write or film about. There is no other company to compare Monsanto’s ethics and practices to.

[Editors note: According to MS Word this was last modified 4/20/2010. I have been meaning to finish it for a month so excuse an abrupt end.]

Know this, Monsanto is a giant corporation. So giant that it sells 90% of all genetically engineered seeds. They made $2 billion in net income in 2008. I’m not going to say all giant corporations are evil monsters whose only goal is current quarter profit without consideration of any externalities or the future it is creating, but have you ever heard of a corporation that big who doesn’t have that goal?

In an effort for efficiency, I will point out my one inexcusable problem with Monsanto and try to wrap this up. Monsanto owns the patent on a seed technology that produces plants with sterile seeds after one planting. That means the crops do not reproduce. THEY DO NOT REPRODUCE! Somebody created crops that eradicate millions of years of evolution. Hell, if you are a creationist, they just spit in the face of God’s divine work. How fucking sick in the head do you have to be to create crops that don’t replenish themselves? How sick to invent technology that could wipe out the base of our entire food supply?

These crops have apparently never been planted outside of the lab, which is good. But what if they are? Do we trust Monsanto that they are not? The wind and pollination are not controllable. Roundup-Ready crops have already bred with farmer’s non-Roundup crops. What happens when these Terminator crops (yes, the bastards actually named the technology Terminator) start spreading and the next year no farmer’s crops grow? It would make Soylent Green look like a documentary. I’m a glass half-full kind of guy, but goddamn, knowing this technology exists scares the piss out of me.

Anyhow, in between the time I started writing this post and now I stumbled across this article in NY Time: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/04/business/energy-environment/04weed.html In case you don’t feel like reading it, in short Roundup-resistant weeds are sprouting up and it is going to require more pesticides and plowing to grow crops, exactly the opposite of what Roundup-Resistant crops were supposed cause. Just like experts and supporters of conservative, eco-friendly agriculture proposed. Maybe all these crazy, hippie, liberal progressive, idealist farmers that have been saying pesticides and GM crops are bad aren’t as crazy, hippie, liberal progressive, idealists that they are made out to be.

I’m too happy to continue this post. The little bit I have written has already made me angry and depressed. Maybe in some future post I will rant about how narcissistic, instant rewards society is the cause of all this, or maybe I’ll pull out a conspiracy theory that it is actually the globalist illuminati forcing this system on us in order to enslave us, or maybe I’ll just shut my self-righteous, holier than thou mouth and stop thinking that I can solve the world’s problems. Yeah, that last one sounds pretty good.

Death by Metal!!!! [R.I.P. Dio]

Ronnie James Dio, metal singer and staunch metal “hail the horns” devil fingers advocate, died yesterday of stomach cancer. He was 67, which by all means is a pretty ripe old age to live to in world of rock n roll. Dio, having replaced Ozzy Osborne in Black Sabbath and later founding his own band simply named Dio, must have seen his fair share of alcohol, drugs and groupies while on tour.

In a conversation with my friend, we began discussing the topic of what constitutes a “metal” way to die. I thought that stomach cancer was pretty brutal and metal. She wasn’t so sure. We then began flipping ideas back and forth about metal versus non-metal deaths. She suggested this would make and excellent blog post and as this blog seems to routinely deal with metal, I thought it was a great idea.

So here it is, a thorough but by no means complete, list of metal vs. non-metal ways to die:

Being struck by lightening while cursing the Gods = metal
Being struck by lightening while on the 9th hole of Augusta = not metal

Overdosing on a combination heroin, coke, speed and alcohol = metal
Overdosing on a combination of heart pills and Viagra = not metal

Burning to death after a dragon breathes fire on you = metal
Burning to death after a freak wood stove accident at your chalet in Sundance = not metal

Decapitated by an axe wielding Orc = metal
Decapitated when your personal chef’s clever slips because his hands were slick from foie gras = not metal

Impaled in a spiked pit = metal
Slip and fall in a McDonald’s ball pit = not metal

Drowning in a moat while storming a castle = metal
Drowning in your heated indoor pool overlooking Reseda = not metal

Motorhead played so loud that it literally blows your mind (aka death by metal) = metal
Fainting and hitting your head at a Michael Buble show = not metal

Hanged for treason for poisoning the minds of youth with your devil music = metal
Autoerotic asphyxiation = not metal

Torn limb from limb by rabid groupies = metal
Torn limb from limb by angry tax accountants = not metal

Halberd (or any other type of polearm) through the heart = metal
Broken heart = not metal

Complications from demon possession = metal
Complications from car repossession = not metal

Werewolf rips out your throat = metal
Puppy allergies swell up your throat = not metal

Strangled in hand to hand combat with a Viking warrior = metal
Strangled in hand to hand combat with a double Windsor knot = not metal


Well, there you go. Go forth and die. Commenters are asked to please add to the list.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

This lotta light of mine...

I have been trying to write more and actually keep this blog going, really I have. My past posts generally revolved around movies because that is what I was doing. Because I haven’t been watching too many movies lately, at least none that blew my mind, I have been struggling with what to write about. At 10 p.m. last night while I was making soup from scratch, I realized what to write about: why the hell I was making soup at 10 p.m.

The answer is that the amount of light up here is tweaking me out. The sun for most of the winter rose around 11 a.m. and set by 3 p.m. I survived the four hours of weak daylight by sucking down vitamin D supplements, overloading my body with endorphins at the gym and spending my dark evenings watching movies.

Now it is light by 8 a.m. and dusk starts around 10:00 p.m. I have light and have no idea how to deal with it. I am one of those people where if it is light out, I feel like I should be doing something. I can’t sit on my butt watching movies if sunlight is pouring through the window, so I have been trying to rework my daily routine. Drinking my time away at the bar, which I have been doing since Iditarod, finally had to end. Although I must say that that was good bender while it lasted.

I now try to spend a lot of time at the gym. I will go to yoga then workout, hold mma club, play volleyball, run on the treadmill or do whatever I can to fill up time. All the art projects that have been stirring around in my mind are now being put into fruition. I make myself sit down and be creative even if I’m not feeling the creative urge. This is a good thing as I have been slacking on arts and crafts and even playing guitar. One of my main goals in moving to Nome was to be a semi-hermit and make lots of art. I started off strong but the cold and dark had the creative juices frozen so I am attempting to thaw them out.

The light has also forced me to put tinfoil over my bedroom windows. After making the mistake of trying to go to bed early one evening, I found that light pouring into your bedroom does not make for a great night’s sleep. Blackout curtains, well certainly less ghetto, have two distinct disadvantages. First, they do not reflect the sun so your apartment heats up. Tinfoil does. Second, they are expensive. Tinfoil is not. Let the ghetto good times roll.

I have also been cooking a lot. There is a program up here where for $40 every week, a box of organic produce is flown in from Full Circle Farm in Washington State. My expanding body has me attempting to cut down on red meat and eat more veggies. A mixture of lots of weightlifting and mma, heavy eating and my body adapting to negative temperatures has bulked me up quite a bit. An assortment of weird veggies every week gets me healthy and gives me a project – learn how to cook a new food. So far from my produce boxes I have learned that I like beets and turnips, chard is alright, and bok choy will probably go to waste.

The latest new ingredient I got was leeks. I found what looked to be a delicious recipe for shrimp, scallop and leek risotto. I then went searching Nome for ingredients and came back short scallops, a red chile pepper and arborio rice. By searching Nome, I of course mean to go to the two grocery stores in town. Groceries in Nome are what a grocery store in the lower 48 would have been like in 1990, good enough selection to vary your diet, but lack the fun and odd ingredients that foodies love. My solution, make a soup and add orzo pasta instead. Try it. It is quite good.

In conclusion, here I am in Nome with 12 hours of light to work with and about 8 more to come. Let's see if I am as successful with dealing with the light as I am with dealing with the dark. If I continue with my pace now, I will have an apartment full of art and a refrigerator full of leftovers. Both are good things to have.



Jeff’s Light Tweaking Shrimp, Squash and Asparagus soup
1 leek
1 red pepper
3 carrots
4 stalks celery
Garlic
Green onion
2 yellow squash
1 bunch asparagus
1 lb shrimp
2 cartons of vegetable stock
Bay leaf
Old Bay seasoning
Orzo pasta

Dice leek, red pepper, carrots, celery, garlic and green onion and cook in olive oil over medium heat until tender. Add chopped squash and asparagus and vegetable stock and bay leaf. Simmer until asparagus is tender. Add half a box of orzo to the soup. Sprinkle shrimp with Old Bay and sauté in oil. Add to soup. Let simmer until orzo is puffed out and tender.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Up In The Air

I watched the Academy Awards the other weekend. It was the first awards show I have watched in six years. I was at my neighbors’ place eating Sunday dinner and it was on so we decided to watch it. The Sunday Dinner has become a pretty regular occurrence and gives me a regular television fix. It also hasn’t helped me get in shape because they cook big, elaborate and delicious meals. Being televisionless means I get all my news from newspapers and radio. Often that news is about things or events on television so I know the stories and history of things without ever actually seeing the event (the internet here is too slow to stream video). When I actually get to see the event, it gives me a tickle.

This is probably also the first time I have seen the big movies of the night that had been written about in the seemingly never-ending lead up to the Oscars – Avatar and The Hurt Locker. I’m not one who rushes to the theatre to see a blockbuster. The Hurt Locker I “borrowed” from the internet back in Anchorage and the tiny theatre in Nome, whose lobby is also the Subway store, got Avatar and some friends were going to see it so I tagged along. The Hurt Locker was alright. Kathryn Bigelow makes decent adrenaline junkie, modern cowboy tales. Point Break holds a special place in my heart. Still, The Hurt Locker just didn’t blow my mind. I think being a huge fan of the HBO mini series Generation Kill has ruined Iraq movies for me. They just don’t compare to an accurate and real life account like it was. It is like watching some WWII shoot ‘em up after seeing Band of Brothers.

Avatar just sucked. It was a waste of 2 ½ hours of my life. It was special f/x pornography. If I’m going to watch pornography, it better have bush and cock making friends with each other, not glowing, floating dandelion seeds and Elphanrhinosaurs’ attacks. The plot appeared to have been written by a pimple-faced Star Wars fanboy as an Earth Day project. The dialogue was as engaging and clever as the manual for my Ford Ranger. Unobtanium? Really? Reeaaaaallly? Why not just name the CEO of the mining company Cash McGreedy and the army guy Captain Bigot?

Anyhow, The Hurt Locker won a lot of awards. The point of all this is that the next day I went online and looked at all the less written about nominees and queued them up in Netflix. First on my list was Up In the Air. I didn’t really know much about it going in. I just saw George Clooney and thought let’s go for it. I like George Clooney. His modern day Cary Grant has not grown old to me yet. Plus he likes South Park and has a pet pig.

I really enjoyed Up In the Air – interesting plot and dialogue, a nice mix of humor and drama, visually pleasant and a brief shot of bare ass. It is a good Saturday night popcorn movie. I also enjoyed it because parts of it hit a little close to home.

The plot is a bit complex. George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a corporate axe-man for hire, meaning companies hire him to fire people for them. He is a suave and polished “two Bobs” from Office Space. He spends his life flying around the United States firing people. 322 days of the year he is flying. He has a barren apartment in Omaha where the company he works for is located, but his real home is in airports, on airplanes and in hotel rooms. He also occasionally gives motivational speeches called “what’s in your backpack.” He preaches a philosophy of life with no personal, emotional or physical attachments to hold one down. He says at one speaking engagement,
“The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks.”
It is never revealed whether he adapted the lifestyle for the job or took the job to suit his lifestyle. The movie leaves that chicken and the egg problem for the audience to decide.

Clooney is the best at his job and able to communicate with people in their most vulnerable state and convince them that the firing/lay-off is just a new start (and also prevent them from going postal). As his personal life is filled with short interactions and friends who only last only as long as a flight, it is a natural fit for any deep, emotional encounters to come from the short interaction with those being fired. A young upstart Natalie, played by Anna Kendrick, decides to change the industry by firing people via video chat and thus confining Clooney to an office in Omaha. He is left with one last chance to hit the road while both showing Natalie the ropes and trying to save his gallivanting lifestyle by convincing her of the personal interaction needed in the profession.

The story doesn’t stop there because, well, because being single and moving isn’t the American way. It doesn’t sell houses and useless shit to decorate those houses. Apparently all of us single vagabonds are miserable and don’t know it. Thus, we get Vera Farmiga playing Alex, a fellow traveler and Clooney’s love interest. She was excellent and was equal to, if not better than Clooney in much of the movie. Anyhow, Clooney, partly through Natalie’s nagging, realizes he has feelings for Alex, or thinks he does, or we think he does, or we think he should. I’m not sure which, but the movie tries really hard to make us realize that no man is an island and we all need to settle down.

I don’t buy it. It wasn’t until I started moving around that I became truly happy. I live out of a U-haul and pick-up instead of a carry-on, but the core principles of moving and staying unattached are the same. Seeing new things and meeting new people are what life is about. Sure, as the movie states, your best memories are with somebody else, but why does that have to be the same person? Why shouldn’t we follow our goal to see the world or in Clooney’s case earn 10 million airline miles?

When animals are forced together and over populated they die of disease and starvation if not outright killing each other. We live in a world of 6 billion people and projected to be 9 billion within 40 years. Who wants to settle down into that? I don’t want to volunteer for being in the cage. Maybe I am full of youthful idealistic wanderlust. Maybe when I hit forty I will have some epiphany and crave a home with a garage and a backyard that little kids can play in. Until that time comes, I will keep moving.

For all my fellow travelers, couchsurfers, vagabonds, hobos, drifters and tramps I highly recommend Up In the Air. If is a very good movie that weaves travel, relationships, the shitty economy and the effects of modern technology on jobs into one beautifully shot (have to give a shout out for the cinematography – actually shot on scene in real airports, hotels and lounges) and acted movie. It may change your mind or may not. It will at least highly entertain you for an hour and half.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The Red Lantern is in.

It’s all over. Iditarod has come and gone. I watched mushers come in at 2 a.m. I cheered for wet boobs and buns. I did irreparable damage to my liver. In sum, I experienced Iditarod. My last post concluded on Wednesday. In an effort to save time, here is what happened in the remaining days: I drank. Wednesday I drank green St. Patty’s day beer. Thursday I partied at my neighbors and avoided the bars. Friday and Saturday I hit up the town with a couple of couchsurfers from Anchorage. Sunday was the banquet at the Rec Center complete with a giant spread of food and $3 beers.

Now I am recovering. A week of late nights and smoky bars has destroyed my immune system so that I am writing this with some weird cold or flu. My body aches and I spent most of last night waking up every 20 minutes in a cold sweat. Lovely.

Aside from turning my usually healthy liver into a shrunken, yellow mess of dying cells, Iditarod finally made me feel like a real resident of Nome. Despite my lack of snowmachine riding and muskox hunting and general introverted apartment dwelling art making, I have made enough acquaintances that I always knew somebody out on the town. Also, with the two couchsurfers staying with me, I got to be a tour guide for the weekend. It is fun to be a “local” and show people the cool, not in the tourbook, things to do such as hikes up Anvil Mountain to see the White Alice antennae and muskox herds and then get live crab from Norton Sound Seafood for dinner.

Let me take the time to endorse couchsurfing.org for any readers who do not know of the website. It is a social networking site with the sole purpose of providing free places to sleep to poor vagabonds like me who don’t mind sleeping on a couch or a mattress in the corner of the room. You join and make a profile with pictures of all your travels and descriptions of your accommodations. Other users can then search in a town or geographic areas for other members. Exchange a few emails to make sure the person is available and not an ax murderer and just like that you saved yourself $120 on a hotel room. It is self-regulating so people who have stayed with you can leave comments about you and you can leave comments about them (If I have learned anything during my 30 years on this Earth it is that pictures of you on top of a mountain or biking across the United States usually means you a decent person). The best part is that you get to stay with a friendly local who can give you advice and show you things that a hotel concierge never could. It actually uses social networking in a communal and productive way instead of just updating former high school classmates with fishing for sympathy status updates.

I have used the site quite a few times now. When I drove across the country from San Francisco back to law school with my buddy, we stayed with three different people, all great experiences. I hosted a group of guys in Anchorage and now have hosted in Nome. You might think that such a website would draw mostly a dreadlocked hippie crowd, but it is quite diverse. Through the site I have met a plethora of people from military guys to oil rig workers to dreadlocked hippies to college “dudes.” All were great people who love traveling, meeting people, sharing their own experiences and wanting a more authentic experience of wherever they visit. I highly recommend trying it on your next trip.

Getting back to Iditarod, I have to say that being here for the entire week was unforgettable (The amazing weather the tourists brought helped as well.). Seeing the town swell with people in celebration makes you excited and happy. It is a weeklong good-time feedback loop in a town where depression and melancholy can easily set in. It was tough Monday morning not hearing sirens go off and the loud speakers in town giving race updates. When the initial idea to move to Alaska was presented to me on the back porch of Crossroads Bar & Grill in South Royalton, Vermont sometime in March of 2009, I was hesitant until I quickly realized that the idea was so crazy I had to do it. I figured that the worst possible outcome is that I end up leaving the Great White North with some good stories to tell. Well, witnessing the full onslaught of Iditarod in Nome, Alaska is definitely a hell of a story to tell. Thank you Nome and thank you Iditarod.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Dog mushing and wet boobs.

Dogs, boobs, pho

[In an effort to not forget and accurately report I am writing this as I have time so excuse me if I switch tenses or if there are continuity problems.]

It is Iditarod time in town. Nome’s most famous cultural event, the yearly 1100+ mile dogsled race from Willow to Nome commemorating the 1925 diphtheria serum run to stop an outbreak, is underway. It is also one hell of a party. The town swells in size as tourists flock in. People rent out rooms in their house for $180 a night. The bars are packed, well more packed than usual. They are also open until 5 a.m.

The race itself couldn’t be better timed. The sun has left its seemingly permanent fixture at 10 degrees above the horizon and is high up in the sky glaring off the snow. The town has been cooped up for a long time and it is time to let loose and do what Nome does best - party until your liver hurts to the touch. Starting on Monday, the fire alarm sounds, loud speakers give color commentary and Nomeites and tourists stumble out of the bars to greet incoming mushers and then return to their stool to warm up in preparation for the next one.

The race technically has a winner by Tuesday when the first musher crosses, but in a race this long, large gaps are built so mushers keep coming throughout the week. This year, Lance Mackey won his forth straight Iditarod coming in at just under 9 days. It is amazing to live in a place where dog mushers are as highly regarded as, if not more highly regarded than, any “outside” professional athlete. Lance Mackey is cool too. He is 39 years old, has long stringy hair he keeps in pony tail, sports a goatee and is a throat cancer survivor. Until this year when they started drug testing mushers (a controversy all its own), he would smoke medicinal marijuana on the trail. There is basically no way you can be as cool or hard as this guy but he still has that down to Earth, drink a beer with vibe.

Speaking of mushers, this is a tough group of athletes. Nine days on the trail in desolate Alaska is hard. I built snowcaves for 24 hours outside and by the end I was a cold and pissy little bitch who wanted nothing more than to be back at my apartment drinking hot coffee and watching a Netflix. Yet, they have a warm caring quality because they work with dogs. Scratch that, they work for the dogs. They love these animals and deeply care for them. Mushers heat their food up in the dogs’ water. They sew booties for them. It is all about the dogs. That feeling of compassion doesn’t exist in most professional sports. It is lovely.

But enough with the dogs, let’s get to the events. There are a lot of them. There are art shows and craft fairs. There is snow sculpting, a snowmachine race, dog fur spinning, basketball tournaments, poker tournaments, and chili cook-offs. There are also lots of parties at the bars. They are a sight to be seen.

I started off my Iditarod experience by watching the start of the Nome-Golovin Snowmachine Race. It is a 200 mile round trip race held every year and the winner qualifies for the Iron Dog. It is a full on sprint. The guys and girls blast off the line and pound their way out and back banging up their machines and even flying off of them. A fittingly balls out event for a balls out week.
There are also more than a few parties throughout the week. Let’s pause and list some of these parties (these are lifted alphabetically from the Nome Convention and Visitors Bureau schedule I got in my PO Box): Alaskan Beers & Jack Daniels, Beer Tasting Extravaganza, Hula Girls, Husky Hoe Down, Idita-After Pary, Idita Mardi Gras, Karaoke, Make You Own Bikini, Safe Sex, Singles Night, St. Patrick’s Day, Wet Bun’s and Wet T-shirt.

In case you only skimmed that list, I will highlight some: MAKE YOUR OWN BIKINI, WET BUNS and WET T-SHIRT. These are advertised by the town. Outside of Sturgis, Bike Week and the Testicle Festival, where do you get that type state sponsored debauchery?

Monday, Nome sets the tone of the week with the Wet Buns’ competition. Who doesn’t love grizzled Alaskan buns? Nome isn’t Miami beach. Hell, by lower 48 standards, it is downright ugly. As an average looking guy, I love it. Modern technology allows humans to live a relatively sedentary lifestyle up here during the nine months of snow. We just ended four months of 20 hours of darkness. People are thick and, unless you have some Native blood in you, white – pasty white.

This makes for a great slate of contestants. The key to any good nudity based event is the pool that you get contestants from. Like Girls Gone Wild, the point is watching normal people go wild and not already wild people being wild. As Mac said on It’s Always Sunny, “We don't want wild girls. We want good girls gone wild. It's important to see the transition, watch the process...” Nome has lots of good average people willing to “go wild.”

I head over to Wet Bun’s, get inside, find some friends and realize I need to drink for this. A few beers in and I realized I needed to drink a lot more and started double fisting. The actual competition is preceded by an auction of t-shirts, hats, other booze related schwag and five front stage seats complete with water bottles for wetting things up. I am not sure if any of this money is donated to a cause or if it all goes to the winners. The auction takes a while so I am pretty gone by the time it starts. After it finally started I found out that the women of Nome are as crazy horny as the men. The crowd erupted. I have never heard more cheers and whistles for average physiques with bad tattoos. Awesome. I’m not really a fan of man-ass so luckily the drunkenness made the competition go quickly. Long story short, I make it home and pass out around 3 a.m.

I trained for Iditarod week. Last week I stayed up late every night and went to the bar for a few beers during the week, which I never do. I knew what my body was in for so I wanted to warm it up to the booze and lack of sleep so I didn’t miss anything. It worked. Tuesday morning I was hurting, but functional. My big life saver: pho. Pho, the delicious brothy and slightly spicy Vietnamese soup full of cilantro, green onions, rice noodles, and thin pieces of beef that I became addicted to in D.C. Twin Dragon in town has it and it is the best cure for hangovers in the world. It fills you up and gets your deprived body nutrients, but unlike greasy breakfasts it doesn’t sit in your stomach. Totally refreshing. A big bowl of that for lunch and I was on the way to full recovery. A post-work power nap later and I was ready for boobs.

I was cautiously optimistic about the Wet T-Shirt contest. I had heard stories of past events that included full frontal nudity and beer bottles in certain unmentionable places, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed. I grew up on internet pron, hung out at hockey team parties in undergrad and rugby parties at law school and have been to many local, small town strip clubs, so I am no stranger to uncomfortable nudity. The shit I have seen, you can’t unsee. Two Girls One Cup, while gross as hell, is safe because you are watching it on a screen. When the stripper in front of you has track marks, it makes you question existence.

However, tits are tits, so off I went to Polaris. The place was butts to nuts packed. The night before the auctioneers had trouble auctioning off all the gear. Tonight, there was no such trouble. The money that drops at Iditarod is staggering. When a cheap beer like Miller costs you $5, things add up. Pregaming is a good strategy. With the goods gone, the contestants are called on stage and shit got real.

The contestants ranged from two perky and fit young girls to slightly hardened middle age women to big old drunken tundra mommas. Fantastic. Queue the music and let’s get this started.

Another insight into Nome is that it doesn’t seem to have a history of dancing. Traditional Native dancing is big up here, but let’s face it, a form of dance that portrays seal hunts is not going sexy. Erotic gyrations are not common place. Thankfully, the younger contestants seem to have spent some time at the bars in Anchorage and were able to muster some crowd please moves.

There were nine contestants to start. They all danced, then left stage and came back individually for their “routine.” There was then a vote by cheer, three were eliminated and the process begins again narrowing it down to the final three. Did I mention one contestant eliminated herself by passing out backstage after the first round of voting? That happened.

The final three, to nobody’s surprise consisted of the three youngest contestants: Lola – a thicker girl with bigguns; Lil’ Shorty – a cute and fit little girl who was the best dancer and stripped down to her saucy little panties; and Andrea, Azlea or some other A name I can’t really remember – cute but didn’t have the stage presence that the other two did. Lola, the crowd favorite of the entire night, won $1700. As far as I am concerned Lil’ Shorty was robbed. She took 2nd place winning $1000, but deserved first. She had moves and didn't even hesitate on the chant of “skin to win”.

Unlike the previous night, the contest was over early. I was successfully pacing myself so headed down to Breakers to finish off. Bedtime, after late night grub and gatoraide, was around 3:00 a.m.

Wednesday morning I actually felt alright, albeit a little tired. An easy day of work, another round of pho, and a five mile run and I was ready to pretend to be Irish.

To be continued...