Death by Metal!!!! [R.I.P. Dio]

Ronnie James Dio, metal singer and staunch metal “hail the horns” devil fingers advocate, died yesterday of stomach cancer. He was 67, which by all means is a pretty ripe old age to live to in world of rock n roll. Dio, having replaced Ozzy Osborne in Black Sabbath and later founding his own band simply named Dio, must have seen his fair share of alcohol, drugs and groupies while on tour.

In a conversation with my friend, we began discussing the topic of what constitutes a “metal” way to die. I thought that stomach cancer was pretty brutal and metal. She wasn’t so sure. We then began flipping ideas back and forth about metal versus non-metal deaths. She suggested this would make and excellent blog post and as this blog seems to routinely deal with metal, I thought it was a great idea.

So here it is, a thorough but by no means complete, list of metal vs. non-metal ways to die:

Being struck by lightening while cursing the Gods = metal
Being struck by lightening while on the 9th hole of Augusta = not metal

Overdosing on a combination heroin, coke, speed and alcohol = metal
Overdosing on a combination of heart pills and Viagra = not metal

Burning to death after a dragon breathes fire on you = metal
Burning to death after a freak wood stove accident at your chalet in Sundance = not metal

Decapitated by an axe wielding Orc = metal
Decapitated when your personal chef’s clever slips because his hands were slick from foie gras = not metal

Impaled in a spiked pit = metal
Slip and fall in a McDonald’s ball pit = not metal

Drowning in a moat while storming a castle = metal
Drowning in your heated indoor pool overlooking Reseda = not metal

Motorhead played so loud that it literally blows your mind (aka death by metal) = metal
Fainting and hitting your head at a Michael Buble show = not metal

Hanged for treason for poisoning the minds of youth with your devil music = metal
Autoerotic asphyxiation = not metal

Torn limb from limb by rabid groupies = metal
Torn limb from limb by angry tax accountants = not metal

Halberd (or any other type of polearm) through the heart = metal
Broken heart = not metal

Complications from demon possession = metal
Complications from car repossession = not metal

Werewolf rips out your throat = metal
Puppy allergies swell up your throat = not metal

Strangled in hand to hand combat with a Viking warrior = metal
Strangled in hand to hand combat with a double Windsor knot = not metal


Well, there you go. Go forth and die. Commenters are asked to please add to the list.