The Tea Party/Hipster Conspiracy

I said I would avoid politics on this blog, but screw it, it’s not like anybody reads it. That said, today in a moment of pure enlightenment (while trolling through blogs – not like I was meditating), it struck me – the Tea Party are the hipsters of the political world. You read that right, the gun totin’, Palin loving, communist accusing group of middle-aged (mostly) white people are the tight pants, big sunglasses, crappy music (mostly) white kids of Los Angeles, Brooklyn and middle America shit cities like Omaha.

Think of republicans like Creed fans. Old and boring, status quo dregs who in small doses you may actually be able to stand to be around. Heck, you may even be a closet fan. Democrats are like Lady Gaga fans. Young, naïve, trend jumping dolts who like flashy objects and simple slogans that you want to grab by the neck and shout "grow the fuck up you brat" into their vapid eyes. As a matter of fact, “Disco Stick” is actually an anagram for “Hope and Change.”

Did you try to rearrange them? Idiot. Anyhow, you get the point.

Libertarians are basically metalheads. Socially liberal, e.g. long hair and on drugs, and economically conservative, e.g. music purists, just ask Metallica after the Black Album. They are crapped on group to the rest of society/pop culture, but technically probably most proficient politically/musically. The far left anarchists/socialists are the punks, because, well, they have been one in the same for the past 30 years with no metaphors needed. Greens = hippie Phish fans, DUH! That leaves the Tea Party. They are hipsters. Oh yes, I’ll explain.

Reason #1: Aesthetic choices
Hipsters have stolen their clothing choices from a menagerie of other sub-cultures to make a styleless mess of a uniform - skin tight jeans (punks), sun glasses (aviators = the 1980’s, big dumb ones = 1960’s Jackie O/Audrey Hepburn), hair (guys = emo (a ripoff of punk), girls = rockabilly bangs), shirts (1980’s new wave), big sneakers (hip hop) and fixed gear bikes (real bicyclists).

Tea Partiers (sorry kids, “Tea Bagger” is played out) rock American flags (yippies), Don’t Tread on Me flags (every “revolution” ever & Metallica), poorly made protest signs with pictures of Hitler (lefties and anarchists), poorly made protest signs with awful slogans (Westboro Baptist Church), and the hardcore 2nd Amendment guys sporting the military regalia (the military). It all leads up to a complete lack of anything that could be considered aesthetically pleasing.

Reason #2: They are the outcast
Nobody other than hipsters likes hipsters. Nobody other than Tea Partiers likes the Tea Party. Lady Gaga fans hook up with Creed fans all the time. Just go to any college bar on a weekend night and see for yourself. Nobody but a hipster is going to date a hipster. Sorry girl, but your bangs are ugly and cocaine sucks. Move along. Plus, you can’t bring a snotty hipster around to all your friends. She is just going to criticize their weak music collection and make snide comments about their baggy pants. No democrat or republican is going to associate themselves with the far out Tea Party unless of course are trying to get the support or join of the Tea Party, e.g. Palin.

These leads to a chicken and the egg problem. Are Tea Partiers and hipsters outcast because they choose to be or because they were forced into exile? I believe it is the latter. Hipsters are the kids that weren’t cool enough to hang with the Creed/Gaga jocks and popular kids, too pussy to be punks, and didn’t have a trust fund so they couldn’t be Phish following hippies. Tea Partiers were too crazy for Republicans and not tough smart enough to be Libertarians. They have a few leaders who play to them. Glenn Beck is Beachhouse. Ann Coulter is Kurt Vile. (Yeah, I gots mad indie rock knowledge, yo)

Reason #3: Narcissism
Both hipsters and Tea Partiers are completely narcissistic. Neither are ever wrong. There is no self-critique or self-analysis. They are right because you are wrong. That band sucks. This trend is cool. Healthcare is bad. Obama is a Muslim. Read Sarah Palin’s book and find me one instance of her admitting to messing up or learning a life lesson. There is a reward if you do. I’ll be waiting. Ever hear Glenn Beck admit to screwing up on a story or presenting anything other than as a pure black and white issue? No, and you never will. Ever hear a hipster say that maybe those pants look ridiculous? Nope.

Reason #4: Their use of the Internet
Fox News is Pitchfork.com. Tea Party blogs are hipster blogs. Going back to narcissism, both love reassurance by the others just like them and the internet gives them that power. A half informed opinion is good enough to post on a blog. After all, it’s not like a real newspaper or music magazine which requires editors. The internet also shields them from criticism and alternative opinions which would shatter their sheltered world views.

Reason #5: Gatherings
Kickball or any other “ironic” childhood game from the 80’s, spontaneous meetups and street art pranks are Tax Day Protests and 9/12 rallies. Being surrounded by others who share your very same mentality is totally awesome.

Reason #6: Shitty beer
Three words: Pabst Blue Ribbon